I'm Driving Myself Crazy!

 “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from the desires that battle within you?" - James 4:1

Last week I came across a blog by best-selling author Marc Chernoff: “8 Ways You’re Driving Yourself Crazy.” Marc wrote, “I sat there in her living room staring at her through teary eyes. ‘I feel crazy,’ I said. ‘I don’t know what’s wrong with me.’  ‘Why do you feel crazy?’ she asked. ‘Because I’m neurotic and self-conscious and regretful, and so much more all at once,’ I said. ‘And you don’t think everyone feels like this at times?’ she asked. ‘Not like this,’ I replied under my breath.

“‘Well, you’re wrong,’ she said. ‘If you think you know someone who never feels a bit crazy and off-center, you just don’t know enough about them.  Every one of us contains a measure of ‘crazy’ that moves us in strange, often perplexing ways.’ I sat silently for a moment.  My eyes gazed from her eyes to the ground and back to her eyes again…. We shared another moment of silence, then my lips curled up slightly and I cracked a smile. ‘Thank you, Grandma,’ I said.”

If you sometimes feel neurotic, self-conscious and regretful—you’re not alone! In last week’s column, I shared some advice from God’s word about how to eliminate harmful battles in our relationships. But if we dig deeper, we find that the source of the battles in our relationships isn’t on the outside—it’s on the inside. We might point a finger at someone else and scream, “You’re driving me crazy!” But the truth is, we’re driving ourselves crazy. We were crazy before that “annoying” person ever came into our lives. That person is just a convenient scapegoat to keep us from taking a long, hard look in the mirror.

In James 4, James opens verse 1 with a question: “What causes fights and quarrels among you?” And in the second half of that verse, he answers with another question. “Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?” That word, “desires,” is a translation of the Greek word “Hedone,” which is where we get our English word “hedonism.” Hedone means “pleasure,” but it implies “sinful, self-indulgent pleasure.” Other Bible translations translate this word as “passions” (ESV), “cravings” (HCSB), and “lusts” (KJV).

So, verse 1 boils down to this: “When you’re battling with another person, the reason you give for why you’re fighting isn’t the real reason why you’re fighting. The other person isn’t the problem. YOU ARE. The other person isn’t the one who needs fixing. YOU ARE. You have selfish, evil cravings and desires that need to be confessed and dealt with. So, until you deal with that root sin in your own heart, you’ll never have true peace in your relationships.”

James continues, “You want something but don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God” (v. 2). Notice these four words: “kill,” “covet,” “quarrel” and “fight.” Every one of these relationship-busting actions stems from our selfish pursuit of pleasure. Every one of us can be a selfish pleasure seeker. And that’s because we all have selfish, sinful desires that battle within us.

The Apostle Peter says, “Dear friends, I urge you, as aliens and strangers in the world, to abstain from sinful desires, which war against your soul” (1 Peter 2:11). Peter reminds us that as followers of Jesus Christ, Planet Earth is not our home. Our true citizenship is in heaven. So our priorities should be heaven’s priorities, and our desires should be God’s desires. God has cleansed our souls by the blood of Christ, and He has given us a new nature that is godly and moral. The problem is, we’ve still got our old sinful nature living inside us with its selfish desires. Every day, you live with these two very different natures inside you, and they battle against each other. YOU decide which nature will win the battle for your soul.

Your old nature is selfish, arrogant, rebellious and lazy. It lives for pleasure—and there are far too many days in the month when you and I allow it to win. We argue at church because we’re selfish. We argue at home because we have sinful desires. We argue about politics on social media, not because of a deep love for God and country, but because we want to convince the world we’re right. And along the way, it causes a lot of collateral damage. When your old nature wins, you end up battling with people around you and battling with God in heaven. As a result, your relationships with God and people suffer. Ironically, you end up unhappy. Isn’t that a curious thing? If you want to be unhappy, just chase after pleasure.

Bible teacher and commentator Warren Wierbe put it this way: “People who are at war with themselves because of selfish desires are always unhappy people. They never enjoy life. Instead of being thankful for the blessings they do have, they complain about the blessings they don’t have. They cannot get along with other people because they are always envying others for what they have and do. They are always looking for that ‘magic something’ that will change their lives, when the real problem is within their own hearts.”

Remember those wise words. Selfish people are always unhappy people. If you want to be unhappy, just chase after pleasure. On the flipside, there are so many benefits to allowing your godly nature to win the battle for your soul. If you love and serve God and others, it will greatly improve your relationships at home, at church, at work, and in our community. But as an added bonus, living for God and others will bring you a whole lot of happiness. Selfish people are unhappy people … but selfless followers of Jesus Christ are blessed with both happiness and true joy.

Dane Davis is the Pastor of Impact Christian Church. Please join us for our live outdoor worship service Sundays at 9 a.m. at 17746 George Blvd. in Victorville. Or, join us online at 10 a.m. on our YouTube channel (Impact Christian Church) or on Facebook.

You’re Driving Me Crazy!

 “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” – Ephesians 4:29

Let’s be honest with each other: Sometimes our family members drive us up the wall. I love my wife and kids, but at times the stay-at-home order really tested my patience. If you ask me, I’ll tell you that I’m an easy guy to live with. But lately—for some reason—my wife has thought about joining a convent and my kids want to move in with Brandma. Perhaps I’m not as easy to live with as I thought.

According to James 1:4, God sends His followers trials in order to help us become more mature and complete. And one of the trials He gives us every day is the “relationship trial.” Relationships at home, church, work, and school are incubators for growth. And the fact is: We will never become spiritually mature until we learn how to maintain our sanity in our relationships.

Consider this: When you say, “So-and-so is driving me crazy!” that statement says more about your immaturity than it does about the other person. Why? Because without your permission, your “annoying” family member couldn’t drive you anywhere. But when you and I are immature, we allow family, friends and even perfect strangers to drive us from zero to crazy in five seconds or less. 

The more immature you are, the more you’ll be annoyed by others around you. So, one of the secrets to maintaining your sanity in your relationships is to grow up—becoming more and more like Jesus. To whatever extent you become more like Christ in your relationships, to that same extent you’ll be at peace in your relationships.

About five years ago, Thom Rainier, a popular and respected church leader and consultant, posted a survey on Twitter. He asked church leaders to share some of the silly things that Christians in their churches had argued about. In the days that followed, he was blown away by the number of responses. One church’s leaders argued about the “appropriate length” of the worship leader’s beard. Another group of Christians fussed over what type of green beans should be served at church events. Yet another church argued about whether or not it’s a sin to serve “deviled” eggs at church, while two other churches argued about whether or not to switch coffee brands. (Believe it or not, some Christians left one of the churches because they didn’t like the coffee that was chosen.)

We laugh about some of these stupid, childish arguments that took place in actual churches. But, actually, we should cry! After all, the Church of Jesus Christ proclaims the Living God and the message of salvation to a lost and dying world. But far too often our petty squabbles push people away from the Church and bring shame to God. Do you think for a moment that any of these church battles mentioned above drew people closer to Christ? Do you think that non-Christians flocked to the church when they learned that its leaders were arguing about deviled eggs? Do you think that Jesus was glorified by the battles fought over green beans and coffee? Hardly!

We have to remember that the world is watching us and making judgments about the Church and Christ based on our how we treat each other. So, whether we are at home, church, work or school, we must be careful to treat each other in a way that honors God and draws people to Christ. Husbands and wives, never forget that people hear how you speak to each other in public, and they take note that you are Christians. Parents, non-Christians listen to how you speak to your kids and grandkids at WinCo and take note that you are followers of Christ. The world is watching and listening.

God’s word tells us in Ephesians 4:29: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.” The word “unwholesome” is a translation of a Greek term that was used in Jesus’ day to describe stinky, rotting fish. Isn’t that a powerful word picture? Jesus Christ tells his followers—you and me—“You should never have stinky, rotting fish come out of your mouths. Your harsh, silly, immature arguments are like stinky fish to God. Your criticism is like stinky fish to God. And your grumbling and complaining are like stinky fish to God.”

Would you agree that there’s far too much stinky fish in our churches? In our workplaces? On social media? In our political campaigns? And in our homes? One of the reasons our family members are driving us crazy during COVID is because there is too much stinky fish in our homes. Our homes should be a consistent contrast to the petty arguments, criticism and judgment that are so prevalent outside our four walls. Our homes should be a place where we build each other up according to each family member’s needs. Our homes should be a place where our words benefit those who listen.

Perhaps God is leading you to have a heart-to-heart with your family today. If so, I encourage you to humble yourself before you family—sharing Ephesians 4:29 with them and confessing that you yourself have been guilty of speaking words that have torn down instead of built up. Ask your family to join you in drawing a line in the sand today: committing to eliminate silly arguments, harsh criticism and judgment from your home. Make a commitment to encourage each other, build each other up according to each person’s needs and speak words that benefit those who listen. If you and your family commit to living out Ephesians 4:29 every day, is there any doubt that you’ll be saying far less often, “You’re driving me crazy!”?

Dane Davis is the Pastor of Impact Christian Church. Please join us for our live outdoor worship service Sundays at 9 a.m. at 17746 George Blvd. in Victorville. Or, join us online at 10 a.m. on our YouTube channel (Impact Christian Church) or on Facebook.

Don’t Kick the Tires!

“For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” – Matthew 19:4b

Marriage has never been easy. But explaining it used to be pretty simple. Not anymore! I think we all know what marriage “used to” be: the lifelong legal union between one man and one woman. But in recent years our culture has wrestled with the questions: Can we broaden the definition of marriage? Are there alternatives to traditional marriage that could be just as fulfilling, or even more so? Should we give marriage a 21^st century update?

There are a number of alternatives to traditional marriage that have begun to grow in popularity. And since God is the creator of marriage, I think it’s only right that we look at the way these alternatives stack up against God’s word. For the sake of time and column space, this week I’m going to focus on just one of them: cohabitation.

First, to make sure we’re on the same page, here’s a quick definition of cohabitation: two unmarried people of the opposite sex living together with long-term or permanent intentions. These days, even within the church, you’ll find a lot of folks who think cohabitation is a good idea. Here are three of the most common reasons people give:

#1: The financial reason. “It’s cheaper!” Most couples who make this argument haven’t really crunched the numbers. Research demonstrates that while couples may move in together with the theory of sharing the bills 50-50, it tends to be more like 60-40—usually with the ladies picking up the heavier end of the tab.

#2: The “kick the tires” reason. People say it all the time: “You’d never buy a used car without kicking the tires first. So, you should never marry someone you haven’t lived with first to see if you’re compatible.” Surprise! Couples who live together before marriage have a 33 percent higher divorce rate. Not only that, but infidelity is twice as common in couples living together. There is also a greater likelihood of alcohol abuse, depression and physical abuse among couples living together compared to couples who are married.

#3: The “stronger marriage” reason. Today most adults believe that living together before getting married improves your chances of a successful marriage. Uh, no. See the higher divorce rate mentioned above. Besides that, most cohabiting couples don’t even get there. University of Michigan sociologist Pamela Smock writes, “Only about one-sixth of live-ins last at least three years, and only one-tenth lasts five years or more.”

So if you’re hoping for a marriage that’s strong and healthy and doesn’t end in divorce, the research is pretty clear: living together before your wedding is a terrible idea. Marriage is hard enough when we do it God’s way. You don’t need to increase your likelihood of unhappiness and failure by doing it the world’s way.

Now, let’s look at God’s way. In Genesis 2, God created marriage—the very first human relationship, between the first man and the first woman. This relationship serves as the prototype for every other marriage from that point forward. In Genesis 2:18 God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.” That word “helper,” by the way, is translated from a Hebrew word that is used many times to refer to God Himself in the Old Testament. It doesn’t refer to someone who is underneath another. It speaks of being face-to-face and perfectly complimenting each other so that the two together are stronger than the one by himself. God created Eve as a partner to Adam—not a slave.

And Genesis 2:24 makes it clear that the leaving of our pre-marriage home and starting a new home together is not to take place until a man and woman are husband and wife: “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” The Bible does not condone cohabitation. It’s a sin. Period.

So, cohabitation may be wildly popular in America, but both the scientific research and God’s word agree: It’s a lousy alternative to marriage. And it’s even a terrible warm-up to marriage. Simply put, God’s answer to cohabitation is, “Stop it!” Save yourself sexually for your wedding night. And wait to live together until you both have rings on your fingers and a marriage certificate signed in the sight of God and human witnesses. God’s order is this: Get married. Move in together and have sex. Have children.

As in so many things, society hasn’t improved on God’s word. The old ways are the right ways when it comes to marriage. And when two people enter their life together according to God’s plan, their union is blessed in a way it never could be otherwise.

Dane Davis is the Lead Pastor of First Christian Church in Victorville. For more information,

visit www.fccvv.com  and join us for worship Sundays at 10 a.m.

A Wife’s Respect (Part 1 )

“Each husband also must love his wife as he loves himself,

and the wife must respect her husband.”  – Ephesians 5:33

According to an old Ethiopian folktale, there was once a young married woman who became fed up with her husband. Having given up all hope for her marriage, she approached a local judge and asked him to grant her a divorce. Being a wise old man, he chose to probe her a bit. “A divorce!” he exclaimed. “Don’t you love your husband?” “Of course I love him,” she responded, “but we just can’t get along. So we must get a divorce.” The old man had an idea. He asked the young bride, “If I were able to give you magic medicine that would help you two get along much better, would you take it?” “Absolutely,” she responded. “I’d do anything to save my marriage.” “Great,” said the judge. “I’ll just need one key ingredient to make the medicine: a single hair from the tail of the lion that lives down by the river. I’m not sure how you’ll get it, but you must find a way.”

The woman made a beeline to the river, but as soon as she heard the lion roar, she turned in fear and ran home as fast as she could. But the next day she returned to the river with a sack of raw meat. She got as close as two hundred yards from the lion, quickly dropped the bag of meat and ran home. The next day she returned with another bag of meat and got as close as one hundred yards; the following day—fifty yards; and the day after that—twenty yards. After a few short weeks the lion was eating the meat out of her hand, and she was able to carefully reach back and pull a single hair from his tail.

As fast as she could, she rushed to the old judge and exclaimed, “I did it! I did it! Here is the hair from the ferocious lion’s tail.” The judge proudly smiled and said, “Securing this hair took an enormous amount of patience, courage and determination. Now, if you put the same amount of patience, courage and determination into your marriage that you put into securing this lion’s hair, you and your husband will enjoy a long and happy marriage. The magic medicine your marriage needs was with you all along.”

The struggles of this young couple are common to marriages everywhere. And the words of wisdom offered by the judge are just as relevant to us in America as they were to the young couple in Ethiopia. Many husbands and wives throw in the divorce towel far too early, claiming that they just can’t get along. However, more times than not, it’s not that they “can’t” get along but that they don’t try hard enough to get along. Sadly, they aren’t willing to put in the necessary effort. You see, there is no magic formula for a strong and happy marriage. It is—among other things—the result of patience, courage and determination disguised as hard work.

In this day and age when so many marriages aren’t “for better and for worse, for richer and for poorer, in sickness and in health ‘til death do us part,” we need to get back to basics. We need to return to the Creator of marriage and read His marriage owner’s manual once again. In Ephesians 5:22-33, God gives specific instructions to husbands and wives about their God-given responsibilities within marriage.

Let’s focus on one of the wife’s God-given responsibilities: to respect her husband. I find it very interesting that in Ephesians 5:33, husbands are commanded to “love” their wives, but wives are told to “respect” their husbands. Over the years I’ve had the opportunity to ask many husbands, “Would you rather hear your wife tell you, ‘I love you’ or ‘I respect you’?” Guess how most men have responded? By far the most common response from husbands has been, “I respect you.”

Because men are wired much differently than women, husbands have different needs and tend to be motivated differently than their wives. To put it simply: most wives feed off of love, but most husbands feed off of respect. This is certainly true in my own marriage. I enjoy hearing my wife tell me that she loves me. But when she looks me in the eye and says, “Dane, I respect you,” I light up like the Fourth of July.

And God understands this reality better than anyone. After all, He created both “male and female” and knows us inside and out. He knows that in order for a married couple to be happy and healthy, the wife needs to receive a healthy dose of daily love from her husband, and the husband needs to receive an ample amount of respect from his wife. Love and respect, respect and love: they are two critical ingredients in any healthy marriage.

When marriages tailspin into dysfunction, it’s often the result of the husband withholding love from his wife and the wife responding by withholding respect from her husband. Dr. Emerson Eggerichs (author of Love & Respect) refers to this as “The Crazy Cycle.” Withholding respect leads to withholding love which leads to withholding more respect which leads to more withholding of love. You get the idea. Ultimately, the crazy cycle can only be stopped when one of the spouses intentionally chooses to stop it. Either the husband chooses to love his wife despite her disrespect, or the wife chooses to respect her husband despite his withholding of love.

Perhaps you and your spouse are experiencing this crazy cycle. If so, there is hope. You must recognize your contribution to the craziness and choose to stop participating in it today. Husband, love your wife in tangible, meaningful ways even when she is disrespecting you up one side and down the other. Wife, communicate respect to your husband even when his love for you is as cold as a winter breeze in the Klondike. Ultimately, God’s ways are always the best ways. If your marriage strategies haven’t been working, then take God’s strategies for a spin. If there is a true lion’s hair that will transform your marriage, it’s love and respect.

Dane Davis is the Lead Pastor of First Christian Church in Victorville. To hear Pastor Dane’s messages or for more information about the church, visit www.fccvv.com.

A Husband’s Love for His Wife (Part 2)

"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up
for her.”  – Ephesians 5:25

In the year 1141, Emperor Konrad laid siege to the castle of Weinsberg in Bavaria, Germany. Wolf, the duke of Bavaria, resisted the siege as long as possible, but the day came when he realized that he must surrender. As retribution for Wolf’s lingering stubbornness during the drawn out conflict, Emperor Konrad planned to kill every resident of Weinsberg and burn the castle to the ground.

In response, the wives of Weinsberg begged Konrad to spare the women’s lives. He consented to their request, even granting each woman permission to carry her most precious possession with her as she left the city. After all, he didn’t want the women to be a drain on society by being left penniless. So, the time came for the women to safely exit the city, and one by one, each woman walked through the city gates and filed past Emperor Konrad’s soldiers. But what Konrad and his soldiers witnessed left them speechless: Each wife walked out of the city carrying her husband on her back. Emperor Konrad was so moved by the women’s faithful love for their husbands that he spared all of the men’s lives and even chose to leave the castle standing.

As touching as this story is, it paints a vivid picture of a sad reality in many marriages today: When it comes to the responsibility spouses have to love each other, wives carry a lopsided amount of the burden. It’s far too common for husbands to relinquish their God-given duty to love their wives as Christ loves the Church, and to let their wives “carry” the relationship. 

Many husbands have a view of love that is shallow and sexualized, but Christ’s idea of love is deep and pure. Many husbands fixate on what they can get out of the marriage; Christ’s love is focused on what we ourselves can put into the marriage. Many husbands cling to a love that is temporary and conditional based on whether or not their wives deserve their love, but Christ’s love is unchanging and unconditional.

Bottom line: Christ’s love for his church is sacrificial. Therefore, a husband’s love for his wife must also be sacrificial. Ephesians 5:25 says it so plainly. “Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” A husband’s love for his wife must be sacrificial, but according to Ephesians 5:26-31, it must also be three other things.

First of all, a husband’s love must be cleansing. Just as Jesus died on the cross to wash us clean from our sins, God’s word commands a husband to similarly wash his wife. That sounds interesting, but what does it mean for a husband to wash or cleanse his wife? To put it simply, a husband’s love must lead her toward understanding and obeying God’s word, not toward distorting and disobeying it.

This begins in the dating relationship. If a young man aims to “score” with his girlfriend, he is not only planning to sin himself, but he is also breaking God’s command to love her with a cleansing kind of love. To put it simply, instead of helping to preserve her chastity for her wedding night, he is selfishly defiling it. Similarly, when a husband flirts with another woman, he is tempting his wife to become angry, bitter and spiteful toward him. Obviously this is 180 degrees from the way a husband is commanded to lead his wife. Loving husbands lead their wives closer to Christ, not closer to sin. A husband’s love must be cleansing.

Secondly, a husband’s love for his wife must be nurturing. Not only does God expect a loving husband to tend to his wife’s spiritual needs, He also expects him to tend to her physical needs. Just as a husband feeds and takes care of his own body, he must feed and take care of his wife’s body. Regardless of what kind of work a husband can or cannot do and regardless of what earning potential he does or doesn’t have, God has called husbands to do their best to take care of the physical needs of their wives. When a wife is hungry, exhausted or sick, her husband should be the first in line to nourish her with food, rest and Nyquil. A husband’s love must be nurturing.

Finally, a husband’s love for his wife must be unbreakable. In Genesis 2, God makes it clear that a husband must “cleave to” his wife. The word God uses literally means to be “glued to” or “cemented to.” So, a loving husband is responsible before God to make sure that he and his wife remain cemented together until separated by death. Sadly, our culture has replaced God’s marriage cement with Velcro. If our marriages get too difficult or we find them unfulfilling, husbands simply peel themselves off from their wives and attach to another woman. How far we’ve strayed from God’s original design for marriage! A husband’s love must be unbreakable.

It’s high time for Christian men to “step it up” in their marriages, bearing the God-given responsibility of loving their wives as Christ loves His church. A husband’s love must be sacrificial, cleansing, nurturing and unbreakable. Our marriages desperately need husbands to love their wives with this kind of love. Strong marriages depend on it.

Dane Davis is the lead pastor of First Christian Church of Victorville and the author of Holy Huldah! Lessons You Should Never Forget from Bible Characters You've Never Heard Of. To hear Pastor Dane's messages for for more information about the church, visit www.fccvv.com.

A Husband’s Love (Part 1)

"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”  – Ephesians 5:25

Ephesians 5:22-33 is the most misunderstood and misused passage about marriage in the whole Bible. Male chauvinist husbands have gravitated to verses 22-24, demanding that their wives “submit” to their authority. Spiteful wives have gravitated to verses 25-26, criticizing their husbands for being unloving and dropping the ball as spiritual leaders in their homes. Knowing that these Bible verses stir up frustration and arguments on both sides of the marriage aisle, many Christians avoid these verses like the plague.

But we shouldn’t sidestep this great passage. In this day and age when so many marriages aren’t “for better and for worse, for richer and for poorer, in sickness and in health ‘til death do us part,” we need to get back to basics. We need to return to the Creator of marriage and read His marriage owner’s manual once again. In Genesis 1 and 2, God makes it clear that He created marriage for two key purposes: unparalleled companionship and bearing children. But in Ephesians 5:22-33, God gives specific instructions to husbands and wives about their God-given responsibilities within their marriage.

Let’s focus on the husband’s two God-given responsibilities. According to this great passage, the husband is called by God to do two things within his marriage: to lead and to love his wife. Obviously, it’s the first of these commands that ruffles the most feminist feathers. You’d be hard-pressed to find a wife who would put up a fuss about her husband loving her, but there are plenty of women—and men as well—who balk at the notion of a husband having a position of authority over his wife. After all, modern wisdom dictates that spouses should be equal partners with equal authority in their marriage.

However, I would suggest that one of the main reasons these marital commands of Ephesians 5:22-33 are so often misunderstood and misused is because people treat these twelve verses as if they parachuted out of heaven and landed randomly in the Book of Ephesians. But they didn’t. In order to properly understand these verses, we must first read and take a closer look at the first four and one-half chapters of Ephesians, which provide the backdrop for this teaching on marriage.

Long story short: A husband’s leadership in his marriage must mirror Jesus’ leadership in the church, which the first four and one-half chapters of Ephesians describe. Many of us have developed a deep suspicion and resentment toward leaders, because we’ve known leaders who were domineering and manipulative. But Ephesians 1 makes it clear that Jesus’ leadership is not like that at all. Jesus’ leadership involves giving his church every spiritual blessing (verse 3), adopting believers into his family (verse 5), spilling his blood for us so that we can avoid eternal destruction (verse 7), and lavishing God’s rich grace upon us (verses 7-8).

Therefore, if a husband is to lead as God has called him to lead, his leadership in his marriage must mirror Christ’s leadership in the church. Like Jesus, he must be a blessing to his wife in every possible way; make his wife the most important, most valuable member of his family; be willing to spill his blood for his wife, and—like Jesus—he must cover her with God’s rich grace. Now ladies, how many of you would object to this kind of leadership in your home?

And just as it’s unfair and improper for us to superimpose our own cultural understanding of leadership on this Bible passage, it’s improper for us to superimpose our own cultural understanding of love upon this passage. The truth is: the Bible’s definition of true love is much deeper and richer that our culture’s definition of love. Our idea of love today is shallow and sexualized, whereas Christ’s idea of love is deep and pure. Our culture’s love tends to be selfish and self-centered; Christ’s love is selfless and others-centered. The world’s love is focused on what I can get out of the relationship; Christ’s love is focused on what I can put into the relationship. The world’s love is temporary and conditional based on whether or not the other person deserves my love, but Christ’s love is unchanging and unconditional.

Bottom line: Christ’s love for his church is sacrificial. Therefore, a husband’s love for his wife must also be sacrificial. Ephesians 5:25 says it so plainly. It’s a wonder that we’ve overlooked it in the past: “Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” There’s no way around it: A husband is to lead his family—including his wife—but his leadership is to be marked by giving himself up. It must radiate sacrificial love.

A husband must sacrifice his own good for her good. He must, when necessary, relinquish his own rights for her rights; he must be willing to get his own hands dirty so that her hands can remain clean. He must routinely forgo meeting his own needs so that he can meet her needs. That’s the put-your-money-where-your-mouth-is kind of love that Jesus has for the church. So that must be the kind of love that a husband has for his wife. Marriages become much stronger when husbands mirror Christ in their homes by sacrificially leading and loving their wives.

Dane Davis is the lead pastor of First Christian Church of Victorville and the author of Holy Huldah! Lessons You Should Never Forget from Bible Characters You've Never Heard Of. To hear Pastor Dane's messages for for more information about the church, visit www.fccvv.com.