Arguments and Compromise

“They had such a sharp disagreement that they parted company.”
-- Acts 15:39

Remember the scene in the movie “Elf,” when an enraged Miles Finch huffs and puffs across a conference room table to beat up poor, startled Buddy the Elf? Well, sometimes truth is just about as wild as fiction. Years ago, one of our church leaders told me the story of a meeting at a church down the hill where he once served as an elder. During this meeting of the elders—a group of seasoned, experienced leaders in the church—an argument broke out. Two of the elders were adamantly disagreeing about something. As they argued, tempers started to flare, words were exchanged … and it escalated to a point where one of the elders pulled a Miles Finch.

Yep. He stood up and started to crawl across the conference table to exchange blows. The other elders had to hold him back before the punches started flying. Not exactly church fellowship at its finest, was it?

If you live under the same roof with another human being, sooner or later you’re going to argue about something: maybe about the bills, maybe about who’s supposed to do the dishes, maybe about who left the toilet seat up. Similarly, if you have a church family, sooner or later you’re going to argue with another brother or sister in Christ about something. You don’t live with a clone of yourself, and you don’t go to church with a clone of yourself. So, there’s bound to be some conflict along the way. In the Book of Acts, an unexpected conflict came up between two of our favorite church leaders: Paul and Barnabas.

Paul and Barnabas made a GREAT team! They did amazing ministry together in their home church of Antioch in Syria. They led great numbers of people to a saving knowledge of Christ. Then they joined forces for their first missionary trip, spreading the gospel and planting healthy, self-sustaining churches throughout Cyprus and Galatia. But at the end of Acts 15, they had an argument that tore their relationship apart.

After Paul and Barnabas had been back home in Antioch for a while, Paul suggested they go back to visit the Christians in all the towns where they had preached the gospel and planted churches (v. 36). Barnabas thought this was a great idea. But then Barnabas suggested taking along his cousin John Mark (v. 37). And Paul basically responded, “Over my dead body!” (v. 38), remembering that John Mark had jumped ship early into their first mission trip. So, the argument began. Verse 39 says that “They had such a sharp disagreement that they parted company”—and as far as we know, they never did ministry together again.

It pains me to say this, but it seems clear to me that these two great heroes of our faith—Paul and Barnabas—screwed up. They could have come to a God-honoring compromise … but they didn’t. And I believe God placed this incident in the Bible without sugar-coating it so that you and I don’t make the same mistakes in our marriages, in our families or in our churches.

So, how do we argue in a way that honors God and nourishes relationships? Here are 3 keys:

Key #1: “Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” (James 1:19). When I think about the most immature, toxic arguments I’ve had with my wife, my kids or with other Christians, they have this in common: I talked too much. I listened too little. And I became angry too quickly. Can you relate? Never forget: God gave you two ears and only one mouth for a reason.

Key #2: Even if it seems to be out in left field, work hard to see and understand the other person’s point of view. “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others” (Phil. 2:3-4). So often we climb on top of our moral high horses and make the case that our opinion is so much more right and biblical than the next guy’s opinion. Believe, really BELIEVE, that the person you’re arguing with is better at certain things than you are and smarter in many ways than you are. So, listen to them, learn from them and understand their point of view. It’s valuable. They are valuable. 

Key #3: When both sides have validity, seek a wise compromise. Moral compromise is sin. But loving, submissive compromise is very Christlike. During his ministry years, Jesus routinely sacrificed his own personal comforts and preferences for the good of those around him. And He’s calling us to do the same.

Barnabas had a deep desire to give his nephew Mark a second chance. Paul had a deep desire to assemble a trustworthy, hard-working team of missionaries to do the best work possible. Both perspectives were valid. Both men made some great points. So, if they had been living out these three keys, their knock-down, drag-out argument could have turned out so much better. God ended up using their breakup in an amazing way. But that doesn’t mean their rift didn’t grieve His heart or cause their church collateral damage.

So often what we argue about is not sinful, but the way we handle the argument IS sinful. And sin always causes damage. So, let’s honor God by handling our arguments and disagreements wisely—like Jesus—with humility, love and grace.

Dane Davis is the pastor of Impact Christian Church in Victorville. Join us at Impact for Sunday services: in person at 9 a.m., or online at 10 a.m. on YouTube or Facebook Live. For more information, visit www.GreaterImpact.cc.

I'm Driving Myself Crazy!

 “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from the desires that battle within you?" - James 4:1

Last week I came across a blog by best-selling author Marc Chernoff: “8 Ways You’re Driving Yourself Crazy.” Marc wrote, “I sat there in her living room staring at her through teary eyes. ‘I feel crazy,’ I said. ‘I don’t know what’s wrong with me.’  ‘Why do you feel crazy?’ she asked. ‘Because I’m neurotic and self-conscious and regretful, and so much more all at once,’ I said. ‘And you don’t think everyone feels like this at times?’ she asked. ‘Not like this,’ I replied under my breath.

“‘Well, you’re wrong,’ she said. ‘If you think you know someone who never feels a bit crazy and off-center, you just don’t know enough about them.  Every one of us contains a measure of ‘crazy’ that moves us in strange, often perplexing ways.’ I sat silently for a moment.  My eyes gazed from her eyes to the ground and back to her eyes again…. We shared another moment of silence, then my lips curled up slightly and I cracked a smile. ‘Thank you, Grandma,’ I said.”

If you sometimes feel neurotic, self-conscious and regretful—you’re not alone! In last week’s column, I shared some advice from God’s word about how to eliminate harmful battles in our relationships. But if we dig deeper, we find that the source of the battles in our relationships isn’t on the outside—it’s on the inside. We might point a finger at someone else and scream, “You’re driving me crazy!” But the truth is, we’re driving ourselves crazy. We were crazy before that “annoying” person ever came into our lives. That person is just a convenient scapegoat to keep us from taking a long, hard look in the mirror.

In James 4, James opens verse 1 with a question: “What causes fights and quarrels among you?” And in the second half of that verse, he answers with another question. “Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?” That word, “desires,” is a translation of the Greek word “Hedone,” which is where we get our English word “hedonism.” Hedone means “pleasure,” but it implies “sinful, self-indulgent pleasure.” Other Bible translations translate this word as “passions” (ESV), “cravings” (HCSB), and “lusts” (KJV).

So, verse 1 boils down to this: “When you’re battling with another person, the reason you give for why you’re fighting isn’t the real reason why you’re fighting. The other person isn’t the problem. YOU ARE. The other person isn’t the one who needs fixing. YOU ARE. You have selfish, evil cravings and desires that need to be confessed and dealt with. So, until you deal with that root sin in your own heart, you’ll never have true peace in your relationships.”

James continues, “You want something but don’t get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God” (v. 2). Notice these four words: “kill,” “covet,” “quarrel” and “fight.” Every one of these relationship-busting actions stems from our selfish pursuit of pleasure. Every one of us can be a selfish pleasure seeker. And that’s because we all have selfish, sinful desires that battle within us.

The Apostle Peter says, “Dear friends, I urge you, as aliens and strangers in the world, to abstain from sinful desires, which war against your soul” (1 Peter 2:11). Peter reminds us that as followers of Jesus Christ, Planet Earth is not our home. Our true citizenship is in heaven. So our priorities should be heaven’s priorities, and our desires should be God’s desires. God has cleansed our souls by the blood of Christ, and He has given us a new nature that is godly and moral. The problem is, we’ve still got our old sinful nature living inside us with its selfish desires. Every day, you live with these two very different natures inside you, and they battle against each other. YOU decide which nature will win the battle for your soul.

Your old nature is selfish, arrogant, rebellious and lazy. It lives for pleasure—and there are far too many days in the month when you and I allow it to win. We argue at church because we’re selfish. We argue at home because we have sinful desires. We argue about politics on social media, not because of a deep love for God and country, but because we want to convince the world we’re right. And along the way, it causes a lot of collateral damage. When your old nature wins, you end up battling with people around you and battling with God in heaven. As a result, your relationships with God and people suffer. Ironically, you end up unhappy. Isn’t that a curious thing? If you want to be unhappy, just chase after pleasure.

Bible teacher and commentator Warren Wierbe put it this way: “People who are at war with themselves because of selfish desires are always unhappy people. They never enjoy life. Instead of being thankful for the blessings they do have, they complain about the blessings they don’t have. They cannot get along with other people because they are always envying others for what they have and do. They are always looking for that ‘magic something’ that will change their lives, when the real problem is within their own hearts.”

Remember those wise words. Selfish people are always unhappy people. If you want to be unhappy, just chase after pleasure. On the flipside, there are so many benefits to allowing your godly nature to win the battle for your soul. If you love and serve God and others, it will greatly improve your relationships at home, at church, at work, and in our community. But as an added bonus, living for God and others will bring you a whole lot of happiness. Selfish people are unhappy people … but selfless followers of Jesus Christ are blessed with both happiness and true joy.

Dane Davis is the Pastor of Impact Christian Church. Please join us for our live outdoor worship service Sundays at 9 a.m. at 17746 George Blvd. in Victorville. Or, join us online at 10 a.m. on our YouTube channel (Impact Christian Church) or on Facebook.