What's Good About Being Single?

 “Let each one live the life which the Lord has assigned him, and to which God has called him.” 
– 1 Corinthians 7:17

An old country pastor once said, “Better to live in single loneliness than in married cussedness.”

In 1 Corinthians 7, Paul tells us that singleness and marriage are both gifts from God, and that each one presents unique opportunities for us to serve Jesus Christ. Therefore, the Word of God urges us to be content and bloom where we’re planted. If you’re single, stop wasting your time daydreaming about the greener grass of marriage. If you’re married, stop wasting your time daydreaming about the greener grass of singleness. Whatever your situation is, be the best Christian you can possibly be right where you are.

So, if you are a Christian single, take heart! Here are four good reasons to remain single and celibate:

Reason #1 (vs. 25-27): Single celibacy allows you to better navigate the “present crisis.” We’re not sure what “present crisis” Paul was referring to, but whatever it was, he saw it as a higher priority than tying the knot. So, does this word of instruction apply to us today? Yes, during times of “crisis,” it’s best to shelter in place. The NIV reads this way: “Are you married? Do not seek a divorce. Are you unmarried? Do not look for a wife” (v. 27).

Reason #2 (v. 28): Being married can add to your troubles. Marriage is hard enough when a husband and wife are on the same page. It’s significantly harder when a husband and wife have different callings and assignments. So, singles, don’t get married just to have an escape valve for your sex drive, or because your parents really want grandkids, or because you’re lonely. Ultimately, marriage is the solution for only one thing: Fulfilling the will of God. Only get married if it is clearly God’s will for you.

Reason #3 (vs. 32-35): Singleness allows you to serve Christ with “undivided devotion.” I believe that of all the reasons for remaining single and celibate, this one is closest to Paul’s heart. The gift of singleness allows a Christian to focus 100% on the concerns of God. If God has called you to be single—whether for a short season or permanently—you have been given a beautiful opportunity to focus entirely on pleasing God and doing His work without the distraction of also pleasing your spouse.

Reason #4 (vs. 39-40): Marriage is a lifelong commitment. Marriage isn’t a car. You can’t just take it for a test drive. Warren Wiersbe writes: “There is no place in Christian marriage for a ‘trial marriage,’ nor is there any room for the ‘escape hatch’ attitude. ‘If the marriage doesn’t work, we can always get a divorce.’…  There must be a willingness to grow, to learn from each other, to forgive and forget, to minister to one another.”

If you have been given the gift of single celibacy, your assignment can best be carried out in your singleness. But if you have been given the gift of marriage, your assignment can best be carried out as you lock arms and hearts with your Christian helpmate. Choosing marriage or singleness boils down to choosing to walk in obedience to fulfill the will of God for your life.

Dane Davis is the pastor of Impact Christian Church in Victorville. Join us at Impact for Sunday services: in person or online at 8:45 a.m. on Facebook Live or YouTube. For more information, visit www.GreaterImpact.cc.

Can I Divorce My Non-Christian Spouse?

“‘For I hate divorce!’ says the Lord, the God of Israel. ‘To divorce your wife is to overwhelm her with cruelty…. So guard your heart; do not be unfaithful to your wife.” – Malachi 2:16

In Old Testament days, many of God’s followers didn’t think divorce was a big deal. Many New Testament Jews didn’t think divorce was a big deal either. And today, a growing number of Americans – and even many Christians – don’t think divorce is a big deal.

But God HATES it (Malachi 2:16). And in Matthew 19:9, Jesus says much the same thing: “I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.” In 1 Corinthians 7, Paul once again makes it clear: If you are married to a Christian, you MUST stay married (vs. 10-11). If you get a divorce for any reason other than adultery, you must either stay single or remarry your ex-spouse. 

But what about Christians who are married to a non-Christian spouse? As Paul continues the chapter, he considers 2 different scenarios:

#1: Christians who are married to non-Christians who want to stay married (vs. 12-14): Paul makes it clear that when a married man or woman comes to faith in Christ, his or her Christianity shouldn’t negatively disrupt the family or tear the family apart. To the contrary, a husband or wife’s Christian faith should be a blessing to their marriage and should be a sanctifying force in their family. So, when it comes to the question of whether or not a Christian has God’s permission to divorce his/her non-Christian spouse, the answer is NO. If your non-Christian spouse is willing to stay married to you and is not committing adultery, you do NOT have God’s permission to divorce him/her.

#2: Christians who are married to non-Christians who want a divorce (vs. 15-16): In this case, Paul writes that when an unbelieving spouse chooses to walk out and abandon his/her spouse, “a believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances” (v. 15). So it seems clear that in God’s eyes, a divorce is permissible in this case. What Paul doesn’t tell us is whether or not God permits the abandoned spouse to remarry. However, if you go back to Charles Spurgeon in the 19th Century and Martin Luther and John Calvin in the 16th Century, all three respected Bible scholars taught that re-marriage was permissible for a divorcee who was the innocent party in a marriage that dissolved because of adultery or desertion.

Is God’s Word on divorce countercultural? Most definitely! And is it uncomfortable to hear? Without a doubt! But now you know the truth – right from God’s Word.

Dane Davis is the pastor of Impact Christian Church in Victorville. Join us at Impact for Sunday services: in person or online at 8:45 a.m. on Facebook Live or YouTube. For more information, visit www.GreaterImpact.cc.

Is Celibacy the Way to Go?

“Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do.” 
– 1 Corinthians 7:8

Singleness is on the rise in the United States. Many young adults are choosing to wait longer to get married. The median age for men to get married for the first time is 30 years old, and it’s 28 for women. And a growing number of adults are choosing NOT to get re-married after being widowed or divorced.

 

So -- what does GOD have to say about singleness vs. marriage? If you’re single, should you be celibate? If you’re married, should you still be celibate? 

 

In 1 Corinthians 7, Paul is answering specific questions that the Corinthians asked him, beginning with this one: “Is it good for a man NOT to touch a woman?” “Touch a woman” was a G-rated way of saying, “have sexual intercourse.” So, we could paraphrase their question this way: “Is it good for a Christian man to remain single and celibate?”

 

And Paul’s answer is a surprising … YES! “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman” (v. 1). In verse 7, Paul even goes so far as to say that singleness is a grace gift from God: “I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.”

 

However, looking at verse 7 again, it also implies that, like single celibacy, marriage is another grace gift from God. And in verse 2, Paul says: “But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband.”

 

Now, Paul doesn’t say that the whole purpose of marriage is to give your sex drive a place to cut loose. But it IS true that for the majority of Christians who have sexual desires and needs, marriage provides a safe, holy place to fulfill those desires and needs (within reason). As Paul continues in verse 3 and 4: “The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.”

 

As far as celibacy within marriage goes, Paul tells us we should only practice it sparingly. He writes, “Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control” (v. 5).

 

Regardless of whether you’re single or married, by God’s grace you CAN be content (Philippians 4:12-13). If you’re single, be content in your singleness as long as God blesses you with it – because your singleness gives you a beautiful opportunity to serve God without distractions. And if you’re married, be content in your marriage, because your spouse is a gift from God. Single or married, you can be content and serve God “through Christ who gives you strength.”

Dane Davis is the pastor of Impact Christian Church in Victorville. Join us at Impact for Sunday services: in person or online at 8:45 a.m. on Facebook Live or YouTube. For more information, visit www.GreaterImpact.cc.

What Does God Say About Divorce?

“They are no longer two, but one. Therefore, what God has joined together, let man not separate.” – Matthew 19:6

A married couple had their first big fight. They got so mad at each other that they started giving each other the silent treatment. Both of them were pretty stubborn, and this silent treatment went on for days. But then, three days into their standoff, the man realized he needed his wife’s help. He had to get up at 5 a.m. the next morning to catch a flight to Chicago, but he had a bad habit of sleeping through his alarm.

But he still didn’t want to be the first one to crack and break the silence. So, the husband wrote a note to his wife and set it in front of her: “Please wake me at 5 a.m.” The next morning the man woke up, looked at the clock, and saw that it was 9 a.m. He’d missed his flight! He turned toward his wife, about to yell at her. Just then a Post-It note fell from his forehead and fluttered into his lap. It read: “It’s 5 a.m. Wake up.”

That’s an example of a marriage that needed a lot of work. But is it ever okay to give up on a marriage? What does God think of divorce? In the book of Malachi, He’s as direct as He could possibly be: “‘I hate divorce,’ says the LORD God of Israel” (v. 16). Three different times in this chapter, God speaks of the sin of “breaking faith with the wife of your youth.” He says it most clearly in verse 14: “The LORD is acting as a witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant.” You see, when a man and woman get married, they stand in front of God and each other and forge a covenant—a binding, lifelong commitment—promising to love, honor and cherish each other for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health. And that covenant is binding until one of them dies.

So in essence, God says in Malachi 2, “Husbands, when you divorce your wife, you are shredding your marriage covenant. You are abandoning your marriage partner. You are breaking the trusting relationship that you promised to her on your wedding day. And when you break your relationship with her, you break your relationship with Me. And I hate it!”

Fast forward 400 years. When the Pharisees ask Jesus about divorce in the book of Matthew, He takes His listeners back to the very beginning—Genesis 2:24: “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” And then in Matthew 19:6, Jesus adds the words that have been repeated millions of times in Christian wedding ceremonies. “So, they are no longer two, but one. Therefore, what God has joined together, let man not separate.”

Jesus’ critics ask a follow-up question in verse 7: “Why then did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?” (As a side note, they’re twisting God’s words. Neither God nor Moses ever commanded a husband to divorce his wife in the Old Testament law.) Jesus responded, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery” (vs. 8-9). Why? Because in God’s eyes, he’s still married to his first wife. Their divorce might have been LEGAL, but it wasn’t BIBLICAL.  It might have been sanctioned by MAN, but it wasn’t sanctioned by GOD.

In Matthew 19:9, Jesus goes on to offer us only one reason for a divorce that is acceptable to God: marital unfaithfulness (aka, adultery): “I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.” You may ask, “Does Jesus give a divorced Christian permission to marry someone else if there WERE biblical grounds for divorce?” If you look very closely at what Jesus says in verse 9, the answer appears to be, “Yes, He does.” If a husband commits adultery, God gives his wife permission to divorce him. God doesn’t command it. God doesn’t even encourage it. But He permits it. And if, after the divorce is final, she chooses to marry another man, God doesn’t command it. God doesn’t encourage it. But He permits it. She is not committing adultery with her new husband, because in God’s eyes she is no longer married to her first husband.

There is only one other acceptable reason for a divorce according to the New Testament. In 1 Corinthians 7:15, Paul writes that a Christian spouse isn’t “bound” to a non-Christian spouse who physically abandons him or her. He seems to allow divorce in such situations, but he doesn’t address the question of whether or not re-marriage is permitted by God.

However, if in some way your marriage is struggling or broken, it’s not enough for me to just tell you, “God hates divorce, so don’t do it!” With good counsel and God’s guidance, I believe struggling Christian couples can build a brand new marriage. One that works. One that God has always wanted the two of you to enjoy together. I urge you to seek that guidance. For marriages that are hurting, unhappy or broken, I highly recommend Dr. David Clarke’s book, “I Don’t Want a Divorce: A 90-Day Guide to Saving Your Marriage.”

God HATES divorce, because God LOVES marriage. So, you’d better believe that He is willing to roll up His sleeves and work with you to make your marriage better than ever.

Dane Davis is the pastor of Impact Christian Church in Victorville. Join us at Impact for Sunday services: in person at 9 a.m., or online at 10 a.m. on YouTube or Facebook. For more information, visit www.GreaterImpact.cc. 

Can Sex Be Holy?

 “Make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word.” – Ephesians 5:26

One night an elderly couple was lying on opposite sides of the bed. The wife was unhappy about the distance between them. She reminded her husband, “When we were young, you used to hold my hand in bed.” He hesitated a moment, then reached across the bed and grasped her hand. After a few moments, she said, “When we were young, you used to cuddle right up next to me.” The husband hesitated a bit longer this time. But eventually, with a few groans, he laboriously turned his body and cradled her in his arms as best he could. She still wasn’t satisfied. She said, “When we were young, you used to nibble on my ear.” Giving a loud sigh, he threw back the covers and bolted out of bed. Somewhat hurt, she asked, “Where are you going?” The husband responded, “To get my teeth!”

Physical intimacy can be an awkward topic. But it may surprise you to learn that the Bible doesn’t shy away from the subject of sex. In most cases, it’s tactful and discreet—but the Bible DOES have a lot to say about sexual intimacy in marriage.

When it comes to understanding true physical intimacy, we as 21st century Christians have two strikes against us. First, our culture is obsessed with sex. It’s everywhere. It’s in our TV shows; it’s in our movies; it’s in our music; it’s in our commercials; and in its most perverted form, it’s plastered all over the internet. But there’s a second strike against us: Churches tend to ignore the topic of sexual intimacy. Some churches ignore it because it’s uncomfortable. Others ignore it because what God has to say about it is unpopular and politically incorrect. Still other churches ignore it because they really don’t understand how important sexual intimacy is to God. Therefore, far too many Christian couples begin dating relationships and get married without having learned what God has to say about true sexual intimacy. And as a result, our dating relationships and our marriages suffer.

Well, I don’t want our relationships to suffer. So, let’s look at a few insights from God’s word. Many Christians wonder if God has a specific list of “do’s” and “don’t’s” when it comes to sexual intimacy within marriage. Well, the quick answer is, “No.” But He does give us some wonderful principles in Ephesians 5:25-33 that serve as a guide for Christian husbands and wives.  Chances are you’ve never viewed this passage as God’s guide for you in the area of sexual intimacy, but it is. It boils down to these three points:

#1: True sexual intimacy must be grounded in “agape” love, not selfish lust (v. 25). Guess which Greek word for love is used throughout this passage. It’s “agape”—unselfish, unconditional, Christ-like love. When sexual intimacy isn’t grounded in agape love, it can be like a hurricane sweeping through a mobile home park. It leaves a whole lot of damage in its wake.

#2: True sexual intimacy involves self-sacrifice—giving yourself up for the good of your spouse (v. 25). According to God’s word, your main focus during sexual intimacy should be pleasing your spouse, not pleasing yourself. I love the way theologian Warren Wiersbe says it: “Sexual love is a beautiful tool to build with, not a weapon to fight with.” Far too many wives use sex as a weapon to manipulate their husbands. And far too many husbands give their wives guilt trips about sex. That’s not conducive to intimacy. True sexual intimacy involves self-sacrifice.

#3: True sexual intimacy is holy and cleanses your spouse (v. 26).  According to God’s word, all sex outside of marriage is perverted, regardless of whether it’s heterosexual or homosexual. It’s dirty, and it makes both sexual partners dirty. You see, God created sex to be like the water in your washing machine. If it stays inside the machine, it makes your clothes clean. But if you toss it in the dirt, it will just make your clothes dirtier. Within a godly marriage, sexual intimacy can help cleanse your spouse of lustful thoughts. It can help cleanse your spouse of discouragement and insecurities. And it can help cleanse your spouse of feelings of rejection. No, sexual intimacy can’t cleanse your spouse of sin. Only Jesus can do that. But there is cleansing power in sexual intimacy, and that is by God’s design. So, is there such a thing as holy sex? Yes, there is, when we allow God’s word to be our guide.

One final insight: Sexual intimacy provides a living illustration of how passionately Jesus Christ loves us and desires to be close to us. Listen to what Paul writes in Ephesians 5:31-32 as he’s giving instructions to husbands: “‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.” You see, the very best marriages are a living illustration of Christ’s love for the Church, which in the New Testament is often called the Bride of Christ.

When we are intimate with our spouses and experience that agape love, we are closer than we can ever be to any other human being. Could it be that God designed this intimacy for us to better understand how much Jesus loves us … and how much He wants us to be close to Him?

Dane Davis is the pastor of Impact Christian Church in Victorville. Join us at Impact for Sunday services: in person at 9 a.m., or online at 10 a.m. on YouTube or Facebook. For more information, visit www.GreaterImpact.cc.

What Makes a Compatible Marriage?

 “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers.” - 2 Corinthians 6:14

Even if you’re not a basketball fan, you probably know who Shaquille O’Neal is. Shaq was one of the most dominant NBA centers of all time, helping to lead the Los Angeles Lakers to three NBA championships. He’s in the Hall of Fame. But have you ever seen a picture of Shaq standing next to his girlfriend? She’s a lovely woman—but Shaq looks like a giant standing next to her. The top of her head is barely higher than the crook of his elbow! I guess when you’re 7-foot-1, it’s hard to find a girl your height.

Have you ever looked at a couple and thought, “They just look mismatched?” You might see a woman who’s much taller than the man she’s with … or who’s so stunningly gorgeous that you might be tempted to say, “She’s way out of his league!”

My point is this: There are certain couples that we look at and say, “They’re just not compatible.” Sometimes we’re proven right when they have a bitter breakup six months later. At other times, we find ourselves 10 years down the road say, “Huh! I never thought that relationship would work, but I guess I was wrong. They’re still together and they seem happy enough.” Of course, we’re not the best judges of anyone else’s relationship—or even our own. So, let’s take a close look at what God’s Word teaches us about compatibility.

When we talk about compatibility in Christian circles, we usually quote 2 Corinthians 6:14: “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers.”  When the apostle Paul wrote these words, he was speaking to Corinthian Christians who had allowed false teachers to come into their church and persuade them to water down their teaching. So, first and foremost, he was warning the Christians not to get so chummy with false teachers who could lead them away from Christ. However, this verse provides a timeless principle that applies to every relationship Christians are in—including business partnerships, dating relationships and marriage.

So, let’s take a closer look at the term “equally yoked.” When Paul used the term, he was referring back to Deuteronomy 22:10, where God gives the Jewish people the law, “Do not plow with an ox and a donkey yoked together.” You might wonder, “What the heck kind of a law is that?” But as any farmer who doesn’t own a tractor can tell you, teaming up an ox and a donkey is a really bad idea. The average donkey weighs about 500 pounds. The average ox weighs about 2,000 pounds. How can you plow a straight furrow if you’ve got an animal on one side of the yoke that is four times heavier than the animal on the other side? You can’t. God knew they could not work together in harmony. So, He said, “Don’t yoke them together. You’re asking for trouble.”

Interestingly, there was one other problem with yoking an ox and a donkey together. According to Jewish dietary laws, an ox was a “clean” animal. The Jews were allowed to eat it. But they weren’t allowed to eat a donkey. It was an “unclean” animal. So, this obscure law about being unequally yoked wasn’t just for farmers.  It provided this timeless principle for all God’s followers: Those who are “clean” should never be yoked together in close relationships with those who are “unclean.” Or, to say it more simply, those who LOVE God should never enter partnerships with those who DON’T LOVE God.

When a believer marries an unbeliever, a game of spiritual tug of war begins, because they are unequally yoked. And guess who wins the game nine times out of 10? The unbeliever. Why? Because it’s the path of least resistance. It’s just easier for the believer to cave. It’s like the Old Sunday school illustration. One child stands on top of a chair while the other one stands on the floor. They join hands and start pulling. Who almost always wins? The child who’s pulling the other one down. What’s true of kids on chairs is equally true of Christians in marriages that are unequally yoked. The believer has already compromised by choosing a spouse who turned their back on God. So, it’s pretty easy for that believer to compromise a bit more by turning his or her own back on God. Remember, it’s always easier to pull someone down than to pull someone up.

There is no doubt that when it comes to choosing a spouse, God commands us in Scripture to choose a fellow believer. Now, if you are already in an unequally yoked marriage, you’re probably wondering what God wants you to do. If you were a Christian on your wedding day and you knew your fiancé wasn’t a Christian, you need to humbly admit to God that you sinned and ask Him to forgive you. And regardless of whether you were a Christian on your wedding day or became a Christian at some later date, you need to follow what God tells you to do in 1 Corinthians 7:12-16. Long story short: Don’t divorce your unbelieving spouse. Husbands, pray for your wife’s salvation. Wives, pray for your husband’s salvation. And ask God to open opportunities for you to lead your spouse to Christ so that you CAN be equally yoked.

Ultimately, a marriage is most compatible when we follow the principles established by God—the Creator of marriage. According to God’s Word, compatibility boils down to three things: values, beliefs and goals. The most successful, happy Christian marriages are those where a husband and wife are on the same page with their values, beliefs and goals. That’s what it truly means to be equally yoked.

Dane Davis is the pastor of Impact Christian Church in Victorville. Join us at Impact for Sunday services: in person at 9 a.m., or online at 10 a.m. on YouTube or Facebook. For more information, visit www.GreaterImpact.cc.

God’s Blueprint for Marriage

 “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”
- Genesis 2:18

You’ve probably seen the classic animated Disney movie, “The Little Mermaid.” Early in the film, Ariel shows her sea gull friend Scuttle one of the treasures that she found at the bottom of the ocean: a fork. She asks him, “What is it?” Scuttle makes up a quick answer: “It’s a dinglehopper!” And he shows her the way humans use it … to straighten their hair out.

A little bit later in the movie, Ariel is all dressed up at the dinner table inside Prince Eric’s palace. She looks down at the table and sees one—a dinglehopper!—and she’s so excited. She picks it up and proudly combs her hair with it in front of the prince. Ariel makes a fool of herself.

Now, where did Ariel go wrong? Even a 4-year-old can answer that question. If she wanted to know what a fork was, she should have asked a human, because humans invented forks and humans use forks. But instead of asking a human, Ariel asked a dumb bird.

We Americans are more like Ariel than we like to admit. God is the Creator of marriage. He is the Grand Architect who dreamed up marriage and brought it into being. In the second chapter of Genesis, God shows us His blueprint for marriage. He tells us plainly what marriage looks like and why He created it in the first place. But most Americans today completely ignore what the creator of marriage says about marriage. Instead, they trust the warped opinions of “dumb birds” who pretend to be experts on the subject—our celebrities, political activists and social media influencers.

According to the Pew Research Center, in 2001, 35% of Americans supported same-sex marriage. In the 21 years since then, that level of support has almost doubled, to around 62% of Americans. According to the Barna Trends 2017 report, 65% of American adults say that living together without being married is a good idea. But God Almighty, the Creator of marriage, makes it very clear in Genesis 2 that marriage is between one man and one woman. And He makes it clear what the order of events should be: Marriage comes first. Then comes sex. Then come children. And according to God’s Word, changing the order of these three things is not only a really bad idea, it’s sin.

I hope you agree that it’s foolish to ignore what God says about marriage. With that in mind, let’s take a closer look at the Grand Architect’s plan for marriage in the Bible. God’s blueprint outlines three purposes for marriage:

#1: To provide a lifelong helper who is just right for you. Genesis 2:7 tells us that God created Adam before Eve. Then God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him” (v. 18), but although the garden was filled with living creatures, “for Adam no suitable helper was found” (v. 20.) And so Eve was custom-made by God to be a helper suitable for Adam. This term “helper suitable” literally means “corresponding face-to-face.” It does not in any way indicate that Adam’s wife was inferior to him. Even Adam’s surgery, as God created Eve from one of Adam’s ribs, demonstrates this. 18th Century Bible commentator Matthew Henry says it so well: “She was not made out of his head to rule over him, nor out of his feet to be trampled upon by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected, and near his heart to be beloved.”

#2: To provide unashamed sexual intimacy that will lead to bearing children. Genesis 2:25 tells us, “Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.” When a husband and wife are face-to-face, naked without shame, they become one flesh as their parts fit together like a perfect puzzle. And this physical intimacy between a husband and his wife is “just right” for bringing a new human life into the world. So we read in Genesis 1:28, “God blessed them and said to them, ‘Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it.’”

#3: To provide a living illustration of Christ’s sacrificial love for the Church. The Apostle Paul points out this third God-given purpose for marriage in Ephesians 5:25-33. This profound passage tells husbands to “love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (vs. 25). And it ends with the verse, “Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband” (v. 33). This model of marriage provides us with a beautiful, powerful, God-given opportunity to display the gospel of love and grace to a world that doesn’t want to HEAR Christians—but is always WATCHING Christians.

If you do a Google search on the definition of marriage, this is what you’ll find: “the legally or formally recognized union of two people as partners in a personal relationship (historically and in some jurisdictions specifically a union between a man and a woman).” I hope that you’ll agree that this is a pitiful, watered-down definition of marriage. It’s a slap in God’s face.

God’s word has equipped us to offer this much more accurate and beautiful definition of marriage. Marriage is a life-long, covenant relationship between one man and one woman. God created marriage for the purposes of close companionship, physical intimacy, bearing and rearing children, and demonstrating Christ’s unconditional love to a watching world. Ladies and gentlemen, THIS is marriage.

Dane Davis is the pastor of Impact Christian Church in Victorville. Join us at Impact for Sunday services: in person at 9 a.m., or online at 10 a.m. on YouTube or Facebook. For more information, visit www.GreaterImpact.cc.

What Does God Say About Divorce?

“They are no longer two, but one. Therefore, what God has joined together, let man not separate.” 
– Matthew 19:6

A married couple had their first big fight. They got so mad at each other that they started giving each other the silent treatment. Both of them were pretty stubborn, and this silent treatment went on for days. But then, three days into their standoff, the man realized he needed his wife’s help. He had to get up at 5 a.m. the next morning to catch a flight to Chicago, but he had a bad habit of sleeping through his alarm.

But he still didn’t want to be the first one to crack and break the silence. So, the husband wrote a note to his wife and set it in front of her: “Please wake me at 5 a.m.” The next morning the man woke up, looked at the clock, and saw that it was 9 a.m. He’d missed his flight! He turned toward his wife, about to yell at her. Just then a Post-It note fell from his forehead and fluttered into his lap. It read: “It’s 5 a.m. Wake up.”

That’s an example of a marriage that needed a lot of work. But is it ever okay to give up on a marriage? What does God think of divorce? In the book of Malachi, He’s as direct as He could possibly be: “‘I hate divorce,’ says the LORD God of Israel” (v. 16). Three different times in this chapter, God speaks of the sin of “breaking faith with the wife of your youth.” He says it most clearly in verse 14: “The LORD is acting as a witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant.” You see, when a man and woman get married, they stand in front of God and each other and forge a covenant—a binding, lifelong commitment—promising to love, honor and cherish each other for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health. And that covenant is binding until one of them dies.

So in essence, God says in Malachi 2, “Husbands, when you divorce your wife, you are shredding your marriage covenant. You are abandoning your marriage partner. You are breaking the trusting relationship that you promised to her on your wedding day. And when you break your relationship with her, you break your relationship with Me. And I hate it!”

Fast forward 400 years. When the Pharisees ask Jesus about divorce in the book of Matthew, He takes His listeners back to the very beginning—Genesis 2:24: “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” And then in Matthew 19:6, Jesus adds the words that have been repeated millions of times in Christian wedding ceremonies. “So, they are no longer two, but one. Therefore, what God has joined together, let man not separate.”

Jesus’ critics ask a follow-up question in verse 7: “Why then did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?” (As a side note, they’re twisting God’s words. Neither God nor Moses ever commanded a husband to divorce his wife in the Old Testament law.) Jesus responded, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery” (vs. 8-9). Why? Because in God’s eyes, he’s still married to his first wife. Their divorce might have been LEGAL, but it wasn’t BIBLICAL.  It might have been sanctioned by MAN, but it wasn’t sanctioned by GOD.

In Matthew 19:9, Jesus goes on to offer us only one reason for a divorce that is acceptable to God: marital unfaithfulness (aka, adultery): “I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.” You may ask, “Does Jesus give a divorced Christian permission to marry someone else if there WERE biblical grounds for divorce?” If you look very closely at what Jesus says in verse 9, the answer appears to be, “Yes, He does.” If a husband commits adultery, God gives his wife permission to divorce him. God doesn’t command it. God doesn’t even encourage it. But He permits it. And if, after the divorce is final, she chooses to marry another man, God doesn’t command it. God doesn’t encourage it. But He permits it. She is not committing adultery with her new husband, because in God’s eyes she is no longer married to her first husband.

There is only one other acceptable reason for a divorce according to the New Testament. In 1 Corinthians 7:15, Paul writes that a Christian spouse isn’t “bound” to a non-Christian spouse who physically abandons him or her. He seems to allow divorce in such situations, but he doesn’t address the question of whether or not re-marriage is permitted by God.

However, if in some way your marriage is struggling or broken, it’s not enough for me to just tell you, “God hates divorce, so don’t do it!” With good counsel and God’s guidance, I believe struggling Christian couples can build a brand new marriage. One that works. One that God has always wanted the two of you to enjoy together. I urge you to seek that guidance. God HATES divorce, because God LOVES marriage. So, you’d better believe that He is willing to roll up His sleeves and work with you to make your marriage better than ever. For marriages that are hurting, unhappy or broken, I highly recommend Dr. David Clarke’s book, “I Don’t Want a Divorce: A 90-Day Guide to Saving Your Marriage.”

Dane Davis is the pastor of Impact Christian Church in Victorville. His new book, “Buoyed Up: Jesus’ 8 Steps to an Unsinkable Life,” is available on Amazon in paperback, e-book and audiobook. Join us at Impact for Sunday services: in person at 9 a.m., or online at 10 a.m. on Facebook Live or YouTube. For more information, visit www.GreaterImpact.cc.

Can Sex Be Holy?

  “Make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word.” – Ephesians 5:26

One night an elderly couple was lying on opposite sides of the bed. The wife was unhappy about the distance between them. She reminded her husband, “When we were young, you used to hold my hand in bed.” He hesitated a moment, then reached across the bed and grasped her hand. After a few moments, she said, “When we were young, you used to cuddle right up next to me.” The husband hesitated a bit longer this time. But eventually, with a few groans, he laboriously turned his body and cradled her in his arms as best he could. She still wasn’t satisfied. She said, “When we were young, you used to nibble on my ear.” Giving a loud sigh, he threw back the covers and bolted out of bed. Somewhat hurt, she asked, “Where are you going?” The husband responded, “To get my teeth!”

Physical intimacy can be an awkward topic. But it may surprise you to learn that the Bible doesn’t shy away from the subject of sex. In most cases, it’s tactful and discreet—but the Bible DOES have a lot to say about sexual intimacy in marriage.

When it comes to understanding true physical intimacy, we as 21st century Christians have two strikes against us. First, our culture is obsessed with sex. It’s everywhere. It’s in our TV shows; it’s in our movies; it’s in our music; it’s in our commercials; and in its most perverted form, it’s plastered all over the internet. But there’s a second strike against us: Churches tend to ignore the topic of sexual intimacy. Some churches ignore it because it’s uncomfortable. Others ignore it because what God has to say about it is unpopular and politically incorrect. Still other churches ignore it because they really don’t understand how important sexual intimacy is to God. Therefore, far too many Christian couples begin dating relationships and get married without having learned what God has to say about true sexual intimacy. And as a result, our dating relationships and our marriages suffer.

Well, I don’t want our relationships to suffer. So, allow me a few moments to point out a few insights from God’s word. Many Christians wonder if God has a specific list of “do’s and don’t’s” when it comes to sexual intimacy within marriage. Well, the quick answer is, No. God doesn’t give us a specific list of do’s and don’ts. But He does give us some wonderful principles in Ephesians 5:25-33 that serve as a guide for Christian husbands and wives. Chances are you’ve never viewed this passage as God’s guide for you in the area of sexual intimacy, but it is. It boils down to these three points:

#1: True sexual intimacy must be grounded in “agape” love, not selfish lust (v. 25). Guess which Greek word for love is used throughout this passage. It’s “agape”—unselfish, unconditional, Christ-like love. When sexual intimacy isn’t grounded in agape love, it can be like a hurricane sweeping through a mobile home park. It leaves a whole lot of damage in its wake.

#2: True sexual intimacy involves self-sacrifice—giving yourself up for the good of your spouse (v. 25). According to God’s word, your main focus during sexual intimacy should be pleasing your spouse, not pleasing yourself. I love the way theologian Warren Wiersbe says it: “Sexual love is a beautiful tool to build with, not a weapon to fight with.” Far too many wives use sex as a weapon to manipulate their husbands. And far too many husbands give their wives guilt trips about sex. That’s not conducive to intimacy. True sexual intimacy involves self-sacrifice.

#3: True sexual intimacy is holy and cleanses your spouse (v. 26).  According to God’s word, all sex outside of marriage is perverted, regardless of whether it’s heterosexual or homosexual. It’s dirty, and it makes both sexual partners dirty. You see, God created sex to be like the water in your washing machine. If it stays inside the machine, it makes your clothes clean. But if you toss it in the dirt, it will just make your clothes dirtier. Within a godly marriage, sexual intimacy can help cleanse your spouse of lustful thoughts. It can help cleanse your spouse of discouragement and insecurities. And it can help cleanse your spouse of feelings of rejection. No, sexual intimacy can’t cleanse your spouse of sin. Only Jesus can do that. But there is cleansing power in sexual intimacy, and that is by God’s design. So, is there such a thing as holy sex? Yes, there is, when we allow God’s word to be our guide.

One final insight: Sexual intimacy provides a living illustration of how passionately Jesus Christ loves us and desires to be close to us. Listen to what Paul writes in Ephesians 5:31-32 as he’s giving instructions to husbands: “‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church.” You see, the very best marriages are a living illustration of Christ’s love for the Church, which in the New Testament is often called the Bride of Christ.

When we are intimate with our spouses and experience that agape love, we are closer than we can ever be to any other human being. Could it be that God designed this intimacy for us to better understand how much Jesus loves us … and how much He wants us to be close to Him?

Dane Davis is the pastor of Impact Christian Church in Victorville. His new book, “Buoyed Up: Jesus’ 8 Steps to an Unsinkable Life,” is available on Amazon in paperback, e-book and audiobook. Join us at Impact for Sunday services: in person at 9 a.m., or online at 10 a.m. on Facebook Live or YouTube. For more information, visit www.GreaterImpact.cc.

What Makes a Compatible Marriage?

 “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers.” - 2 Corinthians 6:14

Even if you’re not a basketball fan, you probably know who Shaquille O’Neal is. Shaq was one of the most dominant NBA centers of all time, helping to lead the Los Angeles Lakers to three NBA championships. He’s in the Hall of Fame. But have you ever seen a picture of Shaq standing next to his girlfriend? She’s a lovely woman—but Shaq looks like a giant standing next to her. The top of her head comes up to the crook of his elbow! I guess when you’re 7-foot-1, it’s hard to find a girl your height.

Have you ever looked at a couple and thought to yourself, “They just look mismatched?” You might see a woman who’s much taller than the man she’s with … or who’s so stunningly gorgeous that you might be tempted to say, “She’s way out of his league!”

My point is this: There are certain couples that we look at and say, “They’re just not compatible.” Sometimes we’re proven right when they have a bitter breakup six months later. At other times, we find ourselves 10 years down the road say, “Huh! I never thought that relationship would work, but I guess I was wrong. They’re still together and they seem happy enough.” Of course, we’re not the best judges of anyone else’s relationship—or even our own. So, let’s take a close look at what God’s Word teaches us about compatibility.

When we talk about compatibility in Christian circles, we usually quote 2 Corinthians 6:14: “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers.”  When the apostle Paul wrote these words, he was speaking to Corinthian Christians who had allowed false teachers to come into their church and persuade them to water down their teaching. So, first and foremost, he was warning the Christians not to get so chummy with false teachers who could lead them away from Christ. However, this verse provides a timeless principle that applies to every relationship Christians are in—including business partnerships, dating relationships and marriage.

So, let’s take a closer look at the term “equally yoked.” When Paul used the term, he was referring back to Deuteronomy 22:10, where God gives the Jewish people the law, “Do not plow with an ox and a donkey yoked together.” You might wonder, “What the heck kind of a law is that?” But as any third-world country farmer who doesn’t own a tractor can tell you, teaming up an ox and a donkey is a really bad idea. The average donkey weighs about 500 pounds. The average ox weighs about 2,000 pounds. How can you plow a straight furrow if you’ve got an animal on one side of the yoke that is four times heavier than the animal on the other side? You can’t. God knew they could not work together in harmony. So, He said, “Don’t yoke them together. You’re asking for trouble.”

Interestingly, there was one other problem with yoking an ox and a donkey together. According to Jewish dietary laws, an ox was a “clean” animal. The Jews were allowed to eat it. But they weren’t allowed to eat a donkey. It was an “unclean” animal. So, this obscure law about being unequally yoked wasn’t just for farmers.  It provided this timeless principle for all God’s followers: Those who are “clean” should never be yoked together in close relationships with those who are “unclean.” Or, to say it more simply, those who LOVE God should never enter partnerships with those who DON’T LOVE God.

When a believer marries an unbeliever, a game of spiritual tug of war begins, because they are unequally yoked. And guess who wins the game nine times out of 10? The unbeliever. Why? Because it’s the path of least resistance. It’s just easier for the believer to cave. It’s like the Old Sunday school illustration. One child stands on top of a chair while the other one stands on the floor. They join hands and start pulling. Who almost always wins? The child who’s pulling the other one down. What’s true of kids on chairs is equally true of Christians in marriages that are unequally yoked. The believer has already compromised by choosing a spouse who has turned their back on God. So, it’s pretty easy for that believer to compromise a bit more by turning his or her own back on God. Remember, it’s always easier to pull someone down than to pull someone up.

There is no doubt that when it comes to choosing a spouse, God commands us in Scripture to choose a fellow believer. Now, if you are already in an unequally yoked marriage, you’re probably wondering what God wants you to do. If you were a Christian on your wedding day and you knew your fiancé wasn’t a Christian, you need to humbly admit to God that you sinned and ask Him to forgive you. And regardless of whether you were a Christian on your wedding day or became a Christian at some later date, you need to follow what God tells you to do in 1 Corinthians 7:12-16. Long story short: Don’t divorce your unbelieving spouse. Husbands, pray for your wife’s salvation. Wives, pray for your husband’s salvation. And ask God to open opportunities for you to lead your spouse to Christ so that you CAN be equally yoked.

Ultimately, a marriage is most compatible when we follow the principles established by God—the Creator of marriage. According to God’s Word, compatibility boils down to three things: values, beliefs and goals. The most successful, happy Christian marriages are those where a husband and wife are on the same page with their values, beliefs and goals. That’s what it truly means to be equally yoked.

Dane Davis is the pastor of Impact Christian Church in Victorville. His new book, “Buoyed Up: Jesus’ 8 Steps to an Unsinkable Life,” is available on Amazon in paperback, e-book and audiobook. Join us at Impact for Sunday services: in person at 9 a.m., or online at 10 a.m. on Facebook Live or YouTube. For more information, visit www.GreaterImpact.cc.

God’s Blueprint for Marriage

 “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”
- Genesis 2:18

You’ve probably seen the classic animated Disney movie, “The Little Mermaid.” Early in the film, Ariel shows her sea gull friend Scuttle one of the treasures that she found at the bottom of the ocean: a fork. She asks him, “What is it?” Scuttle makes up a quick answer: “It’s a dinglehopper!” And he shows her the way humans use it … to straighten their hair out.

A little bit later in the movie, Ariel is all dressed up at the dinner table inside Prince Eric’s palace. She looks down at the table and sees one—a dinglehopper!—and she’s so excited. She picks it up and proudly combs her hair with it in front of the prince. Ariel makes a fool of herself.

Now, where did Ariel go wrong? Even a 4-year-old can answer that question. If she wanted to know what a fork was, she should have asked a human, because humans invented forks and humans use forks. But instead of asking a human, Ariel asked a dumb bird.

We Americans are more like Ariel than we like to admit. God is the Creator of marriage. He is the Grand Architect who dreamed up marriage and brought it into being. In the second chapter of Genesis, God shows us His blueprint for marriage. He tells us plainly what marriage looks like and why He created it in the first place. But most Americans in the year 2022 completely ignore what the creator of marriage says about marriage. Instead, they trust the warped opinions of “dumb birds” who pretend to be experts on the subject—our celebrities, political activists and social media influencers.

According to the Pew Research Center, in 2001, 35% of Americans supported same-sex marriage. In the 21 years since then, that level of support has almost doubled to around 62% of Americans. According to the Barna Trends 2017 report, 65% of American adults say that living together without being married is a good idea. But God Almighty, the Creator of marriage, makes it very clear in Genesis 2 that marriage is between one man and one woman. And He makes it clear what the order of events should be: Marriage comes first. Then comes sex. Then come children. And according to God’s Word, changing the order of these three things is not only a really bad idea, it’s sin.

I hope you agree that it’s foolish to ignore what God says about marriage. With that in mind, let’s take a closer look at the Grand Architect’s plan for marriage in the Bible. God’s blueprint outlines three purposes for marriage:

#1: To provide a lifelong helper who is just right for you. Genesis 2:7 tells us that God created Adam before Eve. Then God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him” (v. 18), but although the garden was filled with living creatures, “for Adam no suitable helper was found” (v. 20.) And so Eve was custom-made by God to be a helper suitable for Adam. This term “helper suitable” literally means “corresponding face-to-face.” It does not in any way indicate that Adam’s wife was inferior to him. Even Adam’s surgery, as God created Eve from one of Adam’s ribs, demonstrates this. 18th Century Bible commentator Matthew Henry says it so well: “She was not made out of his head to rule over him, nor out of his feet to be trampled upon by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected, and near his heart to be beloved.”

#2: To provide unashamed sexual intimacy that will lead to bearing children. Genesis 2:25 tells us, “Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.” When a husband and wife are face-to-face, naked without shame, they become one flesh as their parts fit together like a perfect puzzle. And this physical intimacy between a husband and his wife is “just right” for bringing a new human life into the world. So we read in Genesis 1:28, “God blessed them and said to them, ‘Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it.’”

#3: To provide a living illustration of Christ’s sacrificial love for the Church. The Apostle Paul points out this third God-given purpose for marriage in Ephesians 5:25-33. This profound passage tells husbands to “love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (vs. 25). And it ends with the verse, “Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband” (v. 33). This model of marriage provides us with a beautiful, powerful, God-given opportunity to display the gospel of love and grace to a world that doesn’t want to HEAR Christians—but is always WATCHING Christians.

If you do a Google search on the definition of marriage, this is what you’ll find: “the legally or formally recognized union of two people as partners in a personal relationship (historically and in some jurisdictions specifically a union between a man and a woman).” I hope that you’ll agree that this is a pitiful, watered-down definition of marriage. It’s a slap in God’s face.

God’s word has equipped us to offer this much more accurate and beautiful definition of marriage. Marriage is a life-long, covenant relationship between one man and one woman. God created marriage for the purposes of close companionship, physical intimacy, bearing and rearing children, and demonstrating Christ’s unconditional love to a watching world. Ladies and gentlemen, THIS is marriage. 

Dane Davis is the pastor of Impact Christian Church in Victorville. His new book, “Buoyed Up: Jesus’ 8 Steps to an Unsinkable Life,” is available on Amazon in paperback, e-book and audiobook. Join us at Impact for Sunday services: in person at 9 a.m., or online at 10 a.m. on Facebook Live or YouTube. For more information, visit www.GreaterImpact.cc.)

 

Jesus Raises the Bar on Divorce

“It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.”
— Matthew 5:31

Studies consistently show that around 50 percent of American marriages end in divorce. Ever since “no-fault” divorce laws were passed in the 1970s, divorce rates have gone through the roof. There’s no doubt that making divorces easier has made them more common.

And you might be surprised to learn that divorces were just as common in Jesus’ day. Many Jewish rabbis taught that God approved of divorce … at least, when it was the husband’s idea. They taught Israelite men that there were all sorts of legitimate reasons for a husband to divorce his wife: if she was a lousy cook, if she lost her good looks and her nice figure, or if the husband found another younger woman who was more attractive than she was. According to many rabbis, ALL of these were acceptable and biblical reasons for a husband to divorce his wife.

But Jesus says, “NOT SO FAST!”

In his great Sermon on the Mount, Jesus says, “But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery” (Matthew 5:32). Now, is Jesus saying what we think he’s saying? Is he actually saying that some wives who are having sex with their husbands are committing adultery with their husbands? Yes, he is. Is he actually saying that some husbands who are having sex with their wives are committing adultery with their wives? Yes, he is. How is that even possible?

In this passage, God says that a divorced woman must never remarry her first husband after being married to another man. This example of Jesus’ higher standard is actually piggybacking off of his previous example dealing with adultery: “I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (v. 28). Long story short: The Pharisees believed they were obeying the 7th Commandment flawlessly. They were convinced that they did NOT commit adultery. But Jesus reveals that they were adulterers in their hearts because of their lust. And in verse 32, he reveals that they were adulterers with their bodies because, as they had sex with their new wives, they were cheating on their old wives whom they didn’t have God’s permission to divorce in the first place.

Jesus gives an expanded version of his teaching on divorce in Matthew 19:3-9. In this passage, Jesus takes his listeners all the way back to Genesis 2—the day God created marriage. Jesus reminds us that God’s original design and plan for marriage was for one man to be married to one woman for life. God would seal their wedding vows, and nothing short of death was to tear them apart: “So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate” (Matt. 19:6).

Jesus gives us only one legitimate, God-allowed reason for a divorce: adultery. And the Apostle Paul gives one more God-allowed reason in 1 Corinthians 7:10-16: physical abandonment by a non-Christian spouse. However, if there is physical or sexual abuse of any kind in your marriage, you need to separate immediately. If your safety or your kids’ safety is at risk, get out. But separation doesn’t automatically mean that divorce is your next step. If there are NOT biblical grounds for divorce, you should work on your marriage—from a safe distance.

There are other questions that we don’t have time to answer: What if my husband is a jerk? What if my wife is an addict? What if my husband is in the clink? What if I don’t love her anymore? In this sinful world of ours, we are always looking for excuses for getting out of our commitments. But if you are married, I encourage you to be true to the vows you made on your wedding day to love, honor and cherish him/her for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. It won’t be easy, but with God’s help, you can successfully fight for your marriage.

Dane Davis is the Pastor of Impact Christian Church. Please join us for our in-person worship service Sundays at 9 a.m. at 17746 George Blvd. in Victorville. Or, join us online at 10 a.m. on the Impact Christian Church YouTube channel or Facebook page. For more information, visit www.GreaterImpact.cc.

Have a Better Marriage than Your Parents

“However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” – Ephesians 5:33

Last week, I read a blog written by a woman who had nothing but bad memories of her parents’ marriage. She wrote, “My parents hated each other, and I mean that as in plates flying, cops turning up and thousands of memories as a child of their fighting.” She shared memories of punches, drunkenness, and a repeated cycle of breakups and failed reunions.

Even more sadly, she went on to say, “I can not help [but] feel that some of their bad habits [in] their marriage not only are still with me but will affect my marriage.” And her concern is valid. Experts tell us that most couples, without even realizing it, model their own marriage after their parents’ marriage—for better or for worse.

You may not have grown up in a household with flying plates, but if you’re like me, you had parents whose marriage wasn’t bad … but it wasn’t great either. We don’t want to make the same mistakes they made. And God’s word has the answers. It offers a major tune-up for any broken-down marriage.

In Ephesians 5:22-24, Paul offers an implied command to husbands to “lead” their wives under the authority of Jesus Christ. And wives are commanded to submit to that God-given leadership. Now, in this fallen world of ours, there is no shortage of selfish, arrogant husbands. We’ve heard husbands get onto a high horse and demand that their wives submit to them. And these husbands were—for the most part—lousy husbands.

But in the context of a godly marriage, both husband and wife are following Ephesians 5:21, which says, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” And just a few verses later, Paul gives this instruction: "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25). In that context, a wife’s submission comes much easier.

Now, with that in mind, let’s take a look at the commands given to husbands and wives in verse 33: “However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” For years I’ve found this verse to be so interesting. Notice that wives are not commanded here to “love” their husbands. And husbands are not commanded to “respect” their wives. Why not?

First, I believe it’s because it’s easy for most wives to love their husbands, and it’s easy for most husbands to respect their wives. Now, there are exceptions to the rule. But as a rule of thumb, even when a marriage is falling apart, a wife still loves her husband. And similarly, as a rule of thumb, even when a marriage is falling apart, a husband still respects his wife. But when a marriage is falling apart, more times than not the wife does not respect her husband, and the husband does not love his wife.

Second, by the same token, wives have a deeper need to be loved, and husbands have a deeper need to be respected. Even though so-called “experts” in gender studies keep on trying to deny it, the fact is, God has wired men and women differently. When conflict happens in a marriage, it’s common for husbands and wives to say things in anger that they later regret having said. When those harsh words are being spoken, a wife usually interprets her husband’s harsh words as unloving. And a husband usually interprets his wife’s harsh words as disrespectful.

And what can easily happen is this: If a wife feels unloved, she will withhold respect from her husband. And if a husband feels disrespected, he will withhold love from his wife. His unloving words feed off of her disrespect. And her disrespect feeds off of his unloving words. And thus begins a vicious cycle of withholding love and respect within the marriage. Now, here’s some good news: It takes two spouses to START this crazy cycle, but it only takes one spouse to STOP it. And the healing begins with one spouse drawing a line in the sand and refusing to pretend that God’s unconditional command is conditional.

Remember, we don’t follow the wisdom of this world. We follow Jesus Christ. Men, aren’t your grateful that Jesus loved you when you were completely unlovable? Women, aren’t you grateful that Jesus showed you enough respect to die on the cross for you even when you said and did plenty of things that were completely disrespectful?

We need to follow in his footsteps. Husbands are commanded to love their wives even their wives are disrespectful. And wives are commanded to respect their husbands even when their husbands are unloving. You and I are commanded to love and respect our spouses UNCONDITIONALLY. And when we do, living out Ephesians 5:33, your marriage could be the very best marriage your family has ever seen.

Dane Davis is the Lead Pastor of First Christian Church in Victorville. For more information, visit www.fccvv.com  and join us for worship Sundays at 10 a.m.

The Not-So-Great Social Experiment

Those who practice these things "will not inherit the kingdom of God."

– 1 Corinthians 6:10

Maybe you’ve already noticed, but we are living in the day of the great social experiment. For several thousand years marriage was defined as a lifelong union between a man and a woman. But in recent decades, we’ve been trying to redefine marriage. Maybe we could replace it with cohabitation. Or maybe we could regard it as something temporary. Or it could even be a legal long-term relationship between “two people” regardless of gender.

Last week we looked at one of the alternatives to replace traditional marriage, cohabitation. Today I’m going to talk about two other alternatives: serial monogamy and gay marriage.

Serial monogamy is the practice of engaging in a series of monogamous sexual relationships. Most people probably wouldn’t refer to it by its formal name, but here’s how it goes: date, have sex, break up, repeat. Date, have sex, break up, repeat … you get the idea. Serial monogamy is the alternative to marriage that is most glamorized by Hollywood. But while Hollywood is obsessed with serial monogamy, it’s safe to say that God isn’t crazy about it, since the Bible makes it clear that sex is meant to come only after marriage.

So, let’s focus on one specific kind of serial monogamy: serial monogamy in marriage. The pattern is pretty much the same, with minor modifications: fall in love, get married, get divorced, repeat. Fall in love, get married, get divorced, repeat. But in Matthew 19:3-9, Jesus makes his views on marital serial monogamy clear: divorce and remarriage was never part of God’s plan either. He explains that the law of Moses allowed for divorce only because of the hardness of our hearts. But if you’re divorcing your spouse for any reason other than adultery, when you marry someone else, you’re committing adultery with that person!

That drives a nail in serial monogamy’s coffin. Because the New Testament makes it clear that adultery—if it continues without repentance—will keep us out of heaven: “Do not be deceived: Neither the fornicators nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders, nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God” (1 Corinthians 6:9b-10). So, these verses state that both premarital sex and adultery are sins that will keep us out of God’s kingdom.

And, you will note, homosexuality is another sin that will keep us out of God’s kingdom. That’s a point to remember as we turn to one more alternative to traditional marriage: gay marriage. This is an alternative that’s gained in popularity and acceptance in recent years. Less than nine years ago, here in one of the most socially liberal states in America, Californians voted to approve Prop 8, which defined marriage in our state as being “between one man and one woman.” But it was shot down in the courts. Then, just over 2 years ago came the Supreme Court ruling that state bans on homosexual marriage were unconstitutional, which—in effect—legalized gay marriage in all 50 states.

According to the Pew Research Center, in 2001, 35 percent of Americans supported same-sex marriage. In the 16 years since then, the level of support has almost doubled: 62 percent of Americans support same-sex marriage. So, what does God say? Oh, I’m so glad you asked. God created marriage in Genesis 2:18-25, forming the first human relationship—between one man and one woman, Adam and Eve. And if we take that great passage together with Paul’s description of marriage in Ephesians 5:22-33, here is a biblical definition of marriage: a lifelong covenant relationship between one man and one woman for the purpose of companionship, bearing children and learning to love as Christ loves.

So, regardless of what an American court calls it when two men or two women enter a contractual relationship with each other, to God … it’s not marriage. Period! And as we read in 1 Corinthians 6:9, God considers homosexual sex of any kind to be in the category of sexual sin along with heterosexual premarital sex and adultery. Just as with premarital sex and adultery, homosexuality, if it is not followed with repentance, will keep someone out of God’s kingdom. Whether or not someone in a homosexual relationship has a marriage license, to God it’s sin. Sex is only to be practiced in a married relationship between one man and one woman.

Regardless of whom you are attracted to, every one of us has to overcome sexual temptation. God urges us to resist temptation and pursue holy relationships that are set apart from the world and in line with His word. So, God’s answer to sexual temptation is biblical marriage. God’s answer to our deep longing for companionship and acceptance and love is—you guessed it—biblical marriage.

It bears repeating: Marriage is a lifelong covenant relationship between one man and one woman for the purpose of companionship, bearing children and learning to love as Christ loves. And what could be better than that?

Dane Davis is the Lead Pastor of First Christian Church in Victorville. For more information,

visit www.fccvv.com  and join us for worship Sundays at 10 a.m.