Have a Better Marriage than Your Parents

“However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” – Ephesians 5:33

Last week, I read a blog written by a woman who had nothing but bad memories of her parents’ marriage. She wrote, “My parents hated each other, and I mean that as in plates flying, cops turning up and thousands of memories as a child of their fighting.” She shared memories of punches, drunkenness, and a repeated cycle of breakups and failed reunions.

Even more sadly, she went on to say, “I can not help [but] feel that some of their bad habits [in] their marriage not only are still with me but will affect my marriage.” And her concern is valid. Experts tell us that most couples, without even realizing it, model their own marriage after their parents’ marriage—for better or for worse.

You may not have grown up in a household with flying plates, but if you’re like me, you had parents whose marriage wasn’t bad … but it wasn’t great either. We don’t want to make the same mistakes they made. And God’s word has the answers. It offers a major tune-up for any broken-down marriage.

In Ephesians 5:22-24, Paul offers an implied command to husbands to “lead” their wives under the authority of Jesus Christ. And wives are commanded to submit to that God-given leadership. Now, in this fallen world of ours, there is no shortage of selfish, arrogant husbands. We’ve heard husbands get onto a high horse and demand that their wives submit to them. And these husbands were—for the most part—lousy husbands.

But in the context of a godly marriage, both husband and wife are following Ephesians 5:21, which says, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” And just a few verses later, Paul gives this instruction: "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25). In that context, a wife’s submission comes much easier.

Now, with that in mind, let’s take a look at the commands given to husbands and wives in verse 33: “However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” For years I’ve found this verse to be so interesting. Notice that wives are not commanded here to “love” their husbands. And husbands are not commanded to “respect” their wives. Why not?

First, I believe it’s because it’s easy for most wives to love their husbands, and it’s easy for most husbands to respect their wives. Now, there are exceptions to the rule. But as a rule of thumb, even when a marriage is falling apart, a wife still loves her husband. And similarly, as a rule of thumb, even when a marriage is falling apart, a husband still respects his wife. But when a marriage is falling apart, more times than not the wife does not respect her husband, and the husband does not love his wife.

Second, by the same token, wives have a deeper need to be loved, and husbands have a deeper need to be respected. Even though so-called “experts” in gender studies keep on trying to deny it, the fact is, God has wired men and women differently. When conflict happens in a marriage, it’s common for husbands and wives to say things in anger that they later regret having said. When those harsh words are being spoken, a wife usually interprets her husband’s harsh words as unloving. And a husband usually interprets his wife’s harsh words as disrespectful.

And what can easily happen is this: If a wife feels unloved, she will withhold respect from her husband. And if a husband feels disrespected, he will withhold love from his wife. His unloving words feed off of her disrespect. And her disrespect feeds off of his unloving words. And thus begins a vicious cycle of withholding love and respect within the marriage. Now, here’s some good news: It takes two spouses to START this crazy cycle, but it only takes one spouse to STOP it. And the healing begins with one spouse drawing a line in the sand and refusing to pretend that God’s unconditional command is conditional.

Remember, we don’t follow the wisdom of this world. We follow Jesus Christ. Men, aren’t your grateful that Jesus loved you when you were completely unlovable? Women, aren’t you grateful that Jesus showed you enough respect to die on the cross for you even when you said and did plenty of things that were completely disrespectful?

We need to follow in his footsteps. Husbands are commanded to love their wives even their wives are disrespectful. And wives are commanded to respect their husbands even when their husbands are unloving. You and I are commanded to love and respect our spouses UNCONDITIONALLY. And when we do, living out Ephesians 5:33, your marriage could be the very best marriage your family has ever seen.

Dane Davis is the Lead Pastor of First Christian Church in Victorville. For more information, visit www.fccvv.com  and join us for worship Sundays at 10 a.m.

The Bible Responds to Hot Button Issues

 “For the word of God is living and active….Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of Him to whom we must give account.”

– Hebrews 4:12-13

Gender roles, gay marriage, abortion, immigration reform, gun control, health care, climate change, racism and terrorism: These are nine of 2017’s hot button issues that many people assume are beyond the scope of the Bible. After all, how could a 2,000-year-old book contain answers to questions surrounding our complex issues in modern society? When we subject the Bible to a relevancy test, doesn’t it come up short?

Not at all. But don’t take my word for it. Let’s put God’s word to the test with three of these hot button topics. 

Hot Button Issue #1: Gender Roles. Gender is, without a doubt, a popular topic of conversation in colleges, political circles and in the media. Many universities across the nation, including UCLA, are now offering courses and even majors in Gender Studies. In recent months New York City leaders have begun publicizing that the city now recognizes thirty-one different gender identities including bi-gendered, cross dresser, drag king, drag queen, femme queen and gender queer. (If you don’t know what half of these genders are, that’s probably a good thing.)

But what does the Bible say about gender roles and gender expression? Well, obviously the Bible’s gender list is much shorter and less complicated than the Big Apple’s list. Passages like Genesis 1:16-28 and Genesis 2:20-25 indicate that God created two distinct genders: male and female. A person need not wonder, “Am I a male, a female or one of twenty-nine other options in between?” According to God’s Word, each person is either one or the other. And our gender identify, gender expression and marriage choices should fall in line with our biological sex. In our postmodern culture these insights seem too simple and narrow-minded. But they are just as true and applicable today as they were 2,000 years ago. These Scriptural insights should be included in our public discussions about gender without being shouted down as “homophobic.”

Hot Button Issue #2: Gay Marriage. It’s been twenty years since Ellen DeGeneres came out of the closet in a Time Magazine exclusive and announced, “Yep. I’m gay.” That was, without a doubt, a watershed moment in American culture. It sparked a more passionate effort to mainstream homosexuality and turn the tide of public opinion on homosexual marriage. Although Californians went to the ballot box in 2008 and approved Proposition 8—defining marriage as being “between a man and a woman”—it was struck down in federal court. And on June 26, 2015, the Supreme Court ruled in Obergefell v. Hodges that state bans on homosexual marriage were unconstitutional, paving the way for gay marriage to be legal in all 50 states.

But what does the Bible say about gay marriage? As you probably know, the Bible never addresses the subject of “gay marriage” directly. And the reason for this seems clear: From a biblical perspective, the term is an oxymoron. Simply put, a person must choose one or the other. The Bible is clear in Genesis 2:18-25 and Matthew 19:4-9 that God created marriage as a life-long love relationship between one man and one woman. These verses rule out the legitimacy of homosexual marriage. (And polygamy for that matter.) In addition, verses like Leviticus 18:22 and Romans 1:26-27 make it clear that homosexuality is deemed by God to be a perversion of His created purpose for sex. Our culture would do well to revisit God’s blueprints for marriage and sexuality.

Hot Button Issue #3: Immigration Reform. This was one of the biggest topics on the 2016 presidential campaign trail. Over the past two years there has been much discussion about a border wall, sanctuary cities and restricting visas from certain terrorist hotbed countries. Many of these discussions have become very heated, and Christians haven’t stayed above the fray.

But what does the Bible say about immigration reform? Well, Old Testament passages like Leviticus 19:33-34 and Exodus 23:9 emphasize that in ancient Israel immigrants were to be loved and treated as native-born citizens. So, it’s safe to say that God expects every Christian to treat every alien (legal or illegal) with compassion, kindness and love. However, verses like Romans 13:1-2 emphasize the importance of obeying the laws of the land. Taken together, these verses indicate that Christians should advocate for immigration reform that is both compassionate and law-abiding. Lawbreakers must be treated with kindness while the rule of law is upheld.

Yes, the Bible has always been, still is and always will be the most relevant book on the planet—providing timeless principles that can be applied to any contemporary problem or challenge we face. Sadly, most people find shouting, cursing and name-calling to be preferable to embracing the countercultural insights of Scripture. Without a doubt, our nation would be in a much better condition if we truly believed and acted upon the wise words of Ronald Reagan: “Within the covers of the Bible are the answers for all the problems men face.”    

Dane Davis is the Lead Pastor of First Christian Church in Victorville. For more information,

visit www.fccvv.com  and join us for worship Sundays at 10 am.