Arguments and Compromise

“They had such a sharp disagreement that they parted company.”
-- Acts 15:39

Remember the scene in the movie “Elf,” when an enraged Miles Finch huffs and puffs across a conference room table to beat up poor, startled Buddy the Elf? Well, sometimes truth is just about as wild as fiction. Years ago, one of our church leaders told me the story of a meeting at a church down the hill where he once served as an elder. During this meeting of the elders—a group of seasoned, experienced leaders in the church—an argument broke out. Two of the elders were adamantly disagreeing about something. As they argued, tempers started to flare, words were exchanged … and it escalated to a point where one of the elders pulled a Miles Finch.

Yep. He stood up and started to crawl across the conference table to exchange blows. The other elders had to hold him back before the punches started flying. Not exactly church fellowship at its finest, was it?

If you live under the same roof with another human being, sooner or later you’re going to argue about something: maybe about the bills, maybe about who’s supposed to do the dishes, maybe about who left the toilet seat up. Similarly, if you have a church family, sooner or later you’re going to argue with another brother or sister in Christ about something. You don’t live with a clone of yourself, and you don’t go to church with a clone of yourself. So, there’s bound to be some conflict along the way. In the Book of Acts, an unexpected conflict came up between two of our favorite church leaders: Paul and Barnabas.

Paul and Barnabas made a GREAT team! They did amazing ministry together in their home church of Antioch in Syria. They led great numbers of people to a saving knowledge of Christ. Then they joined forces for their first missionary trip, spreading the gospel and planting healthy, self-sustaining churches throughout Cyprus and Galatia. But at the end of Acts 15, they had an argument that tore their relationship apart.

After Paul and Barnabas had been back home in Antioch for a while, Paul suggested they go back to visit the Christians in all the towns where they had preached the gospel and planted churches (v. 36). Barnabas thought this was a great idea. But then Barnabas suggested taking along his cousin John Mark (v. 37). And Paul basically responded, “Over my dead body!” (v. 38), remembering that John Mark had jumped ship early into their first mission trip. So, the argument began. Verse 39 says that “They had such a sharp disagreement that they parted company”—and as far as we know, they never did ministry together again.

It pains me to say this, but it seems clear to me that these two great heroes of our faith—Paul and Barnabas—screwed up. They could have come to a God-honoring compromise … but they didn’t. And I believe God placed this incident in the Bible without sugar-coating it so that you and I don’t make the same mistakes in our marriages, in our families or in our churches.

So, how do we argue in a way that honors God and nourishes relationships? Here are 3 keys:

Key #1: “Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry” (James 1:19). When I think about the most immature, toxic arguments I’ve had with my wife, my kids or with other Christians, they have this in common: I talked too much. I listened too little. And I became angry too quickly. Can you relate? Never forget: God gave you two ears and only one mouth for a reason.

Key #2: Even if it seems to be out in left field, work hard to see and understand the other person’s point of view. “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others” (Phil. 2:3-4). So often we climb on top of our moral high horses and make the case that our opinion is so much more right and biblical than the next guy’s opinion. Believe, really BELIEVE, that the person you’re arguing with is better at certain things than you are and smarter in many ways than you are. So, listen to them, learn from them and understand their point of view. It’s valuable. They are valuable. 

Key #3: When both sides have validity, seek a wise compromise. Moral compromise is sin. But loving, submissive compromise is very Christlike. During his ministry years, Jesus routinely sacrificed his own personal comforts and preferences for the good of those around him. And He’s calling us to do the same.

Barnabas had a deep desire to give his nephew Mark a second chance. Paul had a deep desire to assemble a trustworthy, hard-working team of missionaries to do the best work possible. Both perspectives were valid. Both men made some great points. So, if they had been living out these three keys, their knock-down, drag-out argument could have turned out so much better. God ended up using their breakup in an amazing way. But that doesn’t mean their rift didn’t grieve His heart or cause their church collateral damage.

So often what we argue about is not sinful, but the way we handle the argument IS sinful. And sin always causes damage. So, let’s honor God by handling our arguments and disagreements wisely—like Jesus—with humility, love and grace.

Dane Davis is the pastor of Impact Christian Church in Victorville. Join us at Impact for Sunday services: in person at 9 a.m., or online at 10 a.m. on YouTube or Facebook Live. For more information, visit www.GreaterImpact.cc.

Brace Yourself for a Bumpy Ride

“Paul and his companions sailed to Perga … where John left them to return to Jerusalem.”
– Acts 13:13

James Gilmour was born in Scotland in 1843, and at a young age felt God calling him to the mission field. As he read Jesus’ command in Matthew 28:19-20 to “go and make disciples of all nations,” he became convinced that if he stayed home, he would be disobeying God. He said, “to me the soul of an Indian seems as precious as the soul of an Englishman, and the Gospel as much for the Chinese as the European.” So, after graduating from college, Gilmour went to seminary and trained as a missionary.

When Gilmour was in his mid-20s, his dream came true. He was sent out to be a pioneer missionary in Mongolia. Gilmour learned the Mongolian language, built relationships and preached the gospel to all who would listen. But after four years of pouring his blood, sweat and tears into his great missionary effort, James Gilmour wrote in his diary: “In the shape of converts I have seen no result. I have not, as far as I am aware, seen anyone who even wanted to be a Christian.” And after 21 years of missionary work, Gilmour died of typhus fever a few weeks before his 48th birthday.

The world looks at James Gilmour’s life and says, “What a waste!” But God looks at James Gilmour’s life and says, “Well done, good and faithful servant.” We’d like to think that good ministry is easy. That it always leads to thousands of lives being transformed by the power of the gospel. But the truth is, more times than not, Christians who pour their blood, sweat and tears into God’s ministries find it to be a very bumpy road. Even the great Apostle Paul discovered this to be true.

Called by the Holy Spirit, Barnabas and Paul set out on the adventure of a lifetime: to spread the Gospel of Jesus Christ throughout Northwest Asia. Their first stop was Cyprus, the island where Barnabas was born and raised. And Luke writes in Acts 13:5 that “John was with them as their helper.” This was John Mark, Barnabas’ cousin. About 10 years later, Mark would write the second of the Gospels in the New Testament. But at this point, John Mark was a young Christian, and he was pretty green.

In verses 4-8, Luke traces the journey of Paul and Barnabas through Cyprus. In the city of Paphos, they ran into resistance from a Jewish sorcerer named Bar-Jesus, an advisor to the local pro-consul. Since Bar-Jesus practiced Satanic sorcery, he knew that if his boss accepted Jesus as his Savior and Lord, he’d probably be out of a job. So, Bar-Jesus selfishly tried to convince his boss NOT to accept Christ. But God’s message prevailed, and the pro-consul became a believer and follower of Jesus Christ.

Barnabas and Paul did some good ministry in Cyprus. But it didn’t come easy. They faced a fair amount of pushback, and that pushback seems to have made a big impact on both Saul and John Mark. After their endeavors in Cyprus, the three men boarded a ship and sailed 200 miles northwest to Perga, where John Mark threw in the towel and went back home to Jerusalem. Many have speculated about why John Mark jumped ship partway through their missionary journey. Some make the case that he was homesick for his hometown; others suggest that as Barnabas’ cousin, he felt offended that Paul was being promoted while his cousin was being demoted. Still others suggest that the journey was just too grueling for John Mark. It wasn’t as rosy as he had imagined. He couldn’t take the heat, so he got out of the kitchen. I think this is the most likely explanation.

At this point in his life, John Mark’s heart wasn’t in it. So, he didn’t stick it out when things got tough. But years later he became one of Paul’s most dedicated helpers in ministry. He had learned that good ministry is rarely a bed of roses. But if God is in it, it’s worth everything that we pour into it. Take these two life lessons to heart:

Life Lesson #1: Our culture desperately needs to hear you and me speak and live out God’s word with boldness and conviction. When Paul preached in Acts 13, he preached with power and conviction, whether he was preaching to Jews in a synagogue or confronting a self-centered sorcerer. Paul spoke God’s true word with boldness and conviction. Sadly, in our day, there are far too few Christians who do that. Truth be told, there are too few pastors who do that.

Life Lesson #2: Good, life-changing ministry is rarely easy. Most often, it’s really hard. It is a thrill helping sinners get saved. It is a blast seeing God’s Word transform Christians’ character. It is a joy to witness broken relationships being restored. But at the same time, it can be exhausting. And at times it will tear your heart out.  There will be times when you think you have nothing left to give. Like Mark, you’ll find yourself saying, “This is so much harder than I expected! I’m tired, and I just want to go home!” Good ministry is hard, but it’s the BEST kind of hard. It’s ALWAYS worth the effort.

Take it from Paul, who wrote in 1 Corinthians 15:58: “Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain.” Stay in the kitchen. Sure, it’s hot but that’s only because God is hard at work preparing a feast like no other.

Dane Davis is the pastor of Impact Christian Church in Victorville. Join us at Impact for Sunday services: in person at 9 a.m., or online at 10 a.m. on YouTube or Facebook Live. For more information, visit www.GreaterImpact.cc.