Ephesians 5:22-33 is the most misunderstood and misused
passage about marriage in the whole Bible. Male chauvinist husbands have
gravitated to verses 22-24, demanding that their wives “submit” to their
authority. Spiteful wives have gravitated to verses 25-26, criticizing their
husbands for being unloving and dropping the ball as spiritual leaders in their
homes. Knowing that these Bible verses stir up frustration and arguments on
both sides of the marriage aisle, many Christians avoid these verses like the
plague.
But we shouldn’t sidestep this great passage. In this day
and age when so many marriages aren’t “for better and for worse, for richer and
for poorer, in sickness and in health ‘til death do us part,” we need to get
back to basics. We need to return to the Creator of marriage and read His
marriage owner’s manual once again. In Genesis 1 and 2, God makes it clear that
He created marriage for two key purposes: unparalleled companionship and
bearing children. But in Ephesians 5:22-33, God gives specific instructions to
husbands and wives about their God-given responsibilities within their marriage.
Let’s focus on the husband’s two God-given responsibilities.
According to this great passage, the husband is called by God to do two things
within his marriage: to lead and to love his wife. Obviously, it’s the first of
these commands that ruffles the most feminist feathers. You’d be hard-pressed
to find a wife who would put up a fuss about her husband loving her, but there
are plenty of women—and men as well—who balk at the notion of a husband having
a position of authority over his wife. After all, modern wisdom dictates that
spouses should be equal partners with equal authority in their marriage.
However, I would suggest that one of the main reasons these
marital commands of Ephesians 5:22-33 are so often misunderstood and misused is
because people treat these twelve verses as if they parachuted out of heaven
and landed randomly in the Book of Ephesians. But they didn’t. In order to
properly understand these verses, we must first read and take a closer look at
the first four and one-half chapters of Ephesians, which provide the backdrop
for this teaching on marriage.
Long story short: A husband’s leadership in his marriage must
mirror Jesus’ leadership in the church, which the first four and one-half
chapters of Ephesians describe. Many of us have developed a deep suspicion and
resentment toward leaders, because we’ve known leaders who were domineering and
manipulative. But Ephesians 1 makes it clear that Jesus’ leadership is not like
that at all. Jesus’ leadership involves giving his church every spiritual blessing
(verse 3), adopting believers into his family (verse 5), spilling his blood for
us so that we can avoid eternal destruction (verse 7), and lavishing God’s rich
grace upon us (verses 7-8).
Therefore, if a husband is to lead as God has called him to
lead, his leadership in his marriage must mirror Christ’s leadership in the
church. Like Jesus, he must be a blessing to his wife in every possible way;
make his wife the most important, most valuable member of his family; be
willing to spill his blood for his wife, and—like Jesus—he must cover her with
God’s rich grace. Now ladies, how many of you would object to this kind of
leadership in your home?
And just as it’s unfair and improper for us to superimpose
our own cultural understanding of leadership on this Bible passage, it’s
improper for us to superimpose our own cultural understanding of love upon this
passage. The truth is: the Bible’s definition of true love is much deeper and
richer that our culture’s definition of love. Our idea of love today is shallow
and sexualized, whereas Christ’s idea of love is deep and pure. Our culture’s
love tends to be selfish and self-centered; Christ’s love is selfless and
others-centered. The world’s love is focused on what I can get out of the
relationship; Christ’s love is focused on what I can put into the relationship.
The world’s love is temporary and conditional based on whether or not the other
person deserves my love, but Christ’s love is unchanging and unconditional.
Bottom line: Christ’s love for his church is sacrificial.
Therefore, a husband’s love for his wife must also be sacrificial. Ephesians
5:25 says it so plainly. It’s a wonder that we’ve overlooked it in the past:
“Husbands, love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up
for her.” There’s no way around it: A husband is to lead his family—including
his wife—but his leadership is to be marked by giving himself up. It must
radiate sacrificial love.
A husband must sacrifice his own good for her good. He must,
when necessary, relinquish his own rights for her rights; he must be willing to
get his own hands dirty so that her hands can remain clean. He must routinely
forgo meeting his own needs so that he can meet her needs. That’s the
put-your-money-where-your-mouth-is kind of love that Jesus has for the church.
So that must be the kind of love that a husband has for his wife. Marriages
become much stronger when husbands mirror Christ in their homes by
sacrificially leading and loving their wives.
Dane Davis is the lead pastor of First Christian Church of
Victorville and the author of Holy Huldah! Lessons You Should Never Forget from
Bible Characters You've Never Heard Of. To hear Pastor Dane's messages for for
more information about the church, visit www.fccvv.com.